WEST FRANKFORT, Ill. — Due to the fact that this year’s 4th of July celebrations take place on a Friday night, the Three Angels Broadcasting Network (3ABN) has been running hourly announcements reminding viewers not to break the Sabbath in the name of patriotism.
A concerted, live effort by a rotation of the network’s show hosts has been running for the past week encouraging people to order 3ABN-manufactured-and-sanctioned Sabbath Sparklers instead of succumbing to the temptation of worldly fireworks displays.
Over the sound of distinctly dated acapella renditions of “Don’t Forget the Sabbath,” each network host cheerfully testifies that the Sabbath Sparkles emit “a tiny yet shiny taste of heaven right here on earth” and are “best enjoyed while watching your favorite 3ABN shows.”
Incredibly fast, pre-recorded “small print” instructions then play, stating that “each packet of Sabbath Sparkles comes pre-branded with the 3ABN logo and can be purchased for a discounted price of $99.99.”
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