666th finisher in GC fun run regrets not running faster

666th place: It had to happen to someone...
666th place: It had to happen to someone…
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — “I really should have pushed myself more,” admitted a winded Julio Lentisimo at the finishing line of Sunday’s GC San Antonio 5K fun run.  Although Lentisimo had disciplined himself enough to wake up and get to the starting line of the InStep for Life 5K for the 6:00 AM start, he said that he lost motivation about 7 minutes into the race after being passed by “one too many Kenyans.”  Shaking his head at the finish line, he admitted to Adventist reporters that if he had just run a little faster he would have avoided the distinctly awkward honor of finishing in 666th place.

The San Diego native said that although he realized that he had finished 666th as a result of his own sloth, more could be done by the General Conference and North American Division health ministries departments to avoid putting runners at risk of finding themselves in his situation.  “I don’t know why they had to go ahead and register 2,500 runners,” complained Lentisimo.  While he realized that the church was trying to create awareness about the Adventist health message, Lentisimo felt strongly that the next fun run participant count be capped at 665.

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“I’m not superstitious but you can’t be Adventist and not feel awkward about coming in as finisher number 666,” he said.


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  1. I like the shamed racer’s name: “Lentisimo.” How apropos!

    Instead of capping the number of participants at 665, why not just feed Mr. Lentisimo a better health-message diet to make him faster? How about a daily dose of those wonderful “health food” snacks, Little Debbies? Never mind that they’re packed with sugar, loaded with calories, and brimming with fat; they’re clearly part of the health message, or they wouldn’t have the blessing of SAU and the tacit blessing of the GC. I’m curious if those Kenyan athletes also got so fast by eating the Little Debbie Health Diet, too.

  2. Ray Kraft

    Well, at least now we know fer sure who the bad guy is.

    Even if he seems nice. Especially if he seems nice.

    The problem can be avoided in the future by simply eliminating the finish number “666” from the race . . . somebody is number 665, somebody is number 667, but nobody is number 666!

    • Morris T.

      He must be a Jesuit. There’s a Jesuit hiding under every rock, and in every Adventist Church, hospital, and college. Heck, they might even be hiding in SDA daycare and preschool centers. They’re just everywhere! They must really love us!

  3. For the unwary, please note the disclaimer on this site’s “About” page: “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”

    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

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