Adventist Church introduces preferred seating for anyone wearing a tie

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BREAKING NEWS

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move aimed at encouraging “appropriate Adventist attire,” the Adventist Church has introduced a preferred seating policy to reward anyone wearing a tie to church.

Those that qualify will gain VIP access to roped-off, tie-only pews in the middle of each church’s main sanctuary.

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Tie-only pews will feature brand new hymnals and extra-cushy kneeling cushions.

No word has been given on whether cheap clip-on ties merit church goers the same privileges as elaborately knotted silk ties.

A reporter that pointed out that the seating policy favored men over women as women were less likely to wear ties was told that the new policy was justified as it promoted “unity” in the church.


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6 Comments

  1. In my church you can sit anywhere you want so long as you don’t sit in the seats occupied by a few saints over a long period of time. If you take my seat, I’m gonna scream at you. I sit far enough back to take snooze during the sermon. Then I can’t wait to go for the pot luck that gives me a tummy ache every week!

  2. In my church you can sit anywhere you want so long as you don’t sit in the seats occupied by a few saints over a long period of time. If you take my seat, I’m gonna scream at you. I sit far enough back to take snooze during the sermon. Then I can’t wait to go for the pot luck that gives me a tummy ache every week!

  3. In my church you can sit anywhere you want so long as you don’t sit in the seats occupied by a few saints over a long period of time. If you take my seat, I’m gonna scream at you. I sit far enough back to take snooze during the sermon. Then I can’t wait to go for the pot luck that gives me a tummy ache every week!

  4. The Truth

    This proves what I’ve said all along: that a man can be fat, ugly, short, or dumb, and a woman will still fall madly in love with him, if he is rich. Money is the only thing women care about. A few of them might try to deny it, but it’s the truth.

  5. Unsuccessful Husband

    A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. The successful wife is one who succeeds in finding such a man. It has been said that men give love in order to get sex; and women give sex to get love. One thing for sure is: women will give anything to get wealth. That’s all they really want.

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