SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In the first high-stakes acquisition of its kind, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has announced plans to buy Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc. The struggling chain of Mexican-style restaurants will be rebranded as Haystacks "R" Us by the church.
Chipotle suffered a disastrous 2015 as outbreaks of E. coli, norovirus and Salmonella scared off customers. In a statement released this morning, the General Conference of the Seventh-day Adventist Church said that the drastically lowered valuation of the chain "made it possible for us to acquire Chipotle and rebrand it to spearhead a major new effort by the church: Haystacks Evangelism."
"We'll need to make a few tweaks to the Chipotle menu to make sure what we serve is aligned with our health message," said GC Haystacks Ministries Director, Hal Apino. "We'll only serve burrito bowls and we'll call them by their rightful name: 'Haystacks.'"
As for changes to ingredients, Apino said that changes could be summed up as: "Fritos and FriChik are in and all the meat is out."
Apino promised a gathering of food bloggers and concerned college students that the Mexican chain would regain the trust of consumers under the new Haystacks "R" Us brand. "We have begun the process of recruiting the very best health and safety experts from Adventist academies and colleges across the country," said Apino. "They never disappoint."
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