Adventist evangelist: Nobody is going anywhere until one more responds to altar call

Ushers are guarding the doors...
Ushers are guarding the doors…

Marietta, Ga. — Today’s evangelistic campaign crowd in downtown Marietta, Ga. has been notified that everyone will be staying put until at least one more brave soul comes up front and commits to baptism.

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Reports from inside what is starting to resemble a hostage crisis say that visiting revival preacher, Revvem Ahp has been warning those in attendance that he will not accept existing converts that come up to the altar just to ease the tension.

“I’m not doing rebaptisms or recommitment so if you come up for that we’ll all be back at square one,” said Ahp to a defeated crowd and an exhausted singer on his seventh complete run-through of I Surrender All. “I can be here all night.”

Ahp made sure to clarify that he wouldn’t be “breaking the tension by inviting you to take a stand in your hearts or to raise your hands. I want fresh commitment and I want it to happen right up front.”

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At press time the sun is setting and stranded attendees have been texting family and friends to let them know they love them and not to wait up.




  1. pesky bugs

    The GC should take a couple semi loads of the Great Controversy to the recycling center and use the cash for ransom, or to give to hostages for a cash incentive to “take their stand.” There would probably be at least $100 from sale and that would motivate at least one resistor. Next time the evangelists would be advised to hold their meeting in local saloon where mugs of beer could be placed on the alter at the time of the “call.”

  2. Ms. Gubbe

    I say, no one leaves until they can street preach the 2300 days in a way that it is understandable, believable, and relevant. Who wants to show that they can do it? Maybe if I can even get 2 or 3 of you’s, you’s can all go.”

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