Adventist leaders pray for new prophet in 2016 — a male one


SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference leaders are ushering in 2016 with a season of prayer and fasting for a new Adventist prophet in 2016. This time around, however, leaders are specifically requesting a male messenger.

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“We would be the first to recognize the prophetic gift of Mrs. White but God could have made the women’s ordination movement a lot easier to crush by blessing us with a male prophet right from the get-go,” said GC Director of Gender Insensitivity, Ole Skull. “Instead we got stuck with the most translated female nonfiction writer of all time.”

Skull assured Adventists that despite the setback of Ellen White’s unfortunate gender, it was “not too late to do damage control for our church” as long as “an assertive and equally prolific male messenger could manifest anytime in 2016.”


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  1. Elisha's Bears

    He is already here. He is the self proclaimed reformer. The rescuer of the faith. The saviour of old time Adventism. The spokesman for God, the Male Deity.

    His name is Ted.

    The man above all men (and thus women.)

    He proclaims that he is humbled by the calling of God. Repeatedly.

    Now if he’d just stop travelling so much and start writing a lot. Or better still, get some Holy Ghost writers pumping out the volumes.

  2. “Ole Skull” is a good name for the GC Director of Gender Insensitivity. Today’s anti-women’s ordination movement really is “old school” in view of the fact that the SDA Church has had women pastors since at least 1872, and proportionately there were more women pastors in Ellen White’s day than now.

    Today’s anti-WO movement is also “old school” compared to Ellen White, who was given ministerial credentials in 1871, was paid the salary of an ordained minister beginning in 1881, received her first ordination certificate in 1883, and was listed as an ordained minister in the GC Yearbook beginning in 1884.

  3. Richard Mills

    A lot of SDA’s can’t come to grips with the current prophet-EGW. Why would a 2016 one be any different? I remember that the church in Jesus’ day wouldn’t accept him either!
    Get over it! Take care of the one we have now. Woe to all you whited sepluchers.

  4. Bonnie Ann Clyde

    Their wish already came true. A male prophet is already in place–and he is practically the “SDA Pope.” His name is Teddy W., and he already rules the GC (the “SDA Vatican”) with an iron fist.

    He has a College of Cardinals (the 13 Division presidents) and a cadre of Archbishops (the Union presidents) and Bishops (the Conference presidents). He has parish priests (pastors) and nuns (the single church school teachers). And he has decreed the exact same position against ordination of females, like the Jesuit Catholic Pope.

    I pledge allegiance to the GC Papacy and the SDA Vatican for which it stands: one church under Teddy, with narrow-mindedness and legalism for all.

  5. LaDonald Trumpette

    If you want a clear, strong, prophetic voice in 2016, vote for the Trump / Putin ticket! Two great leaders who adore and flatter each other. And one is the puppet of the other. Get ready to learn Russian, folks. By 2017 it will be the official language of Amerika, as Trump takes his orders from Putin.

    • Hilarious Clinton

      Dear Donald, if you are the new male “prophet” for 2016, I’ll do without. Even Burny Sanders is better than you. Even the “low energy” Jebra Bush is better than you. Even the half-asleep, semi-anesthetized Ben Car-sin is better than you. Even Ted Cruise-control is better. Most of the people on the other side of the Great Wall of Mexico are better than you. Get my drift?

  6. Gary

    You all do realize this story is not true? This website seems to believe it is funny to lie–they love to lie. …all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8

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