Grand Rapids, Mich. — Sixty-nine-year-old Elsa Brown, a long-time member of Grand Rapids-based Oak Lane Church was disfellowshipped yesterday after the church board determined that her eyebrows were actually tattoos.
After multiple meetings spent studying pictures and talking to people that know Elsa well or sit close to her in church, the church board determined that, beyond the shadow of reasonable doubt, the startling definition of Brown’s very new eyebrows was the direct result of a permanent eyebrow tattoo.
“It may seem a little harsh to friends of Elsa but anyone with a knowledge of tattoo culture knows about tattoo creep,” said church board member Bradley Nelson. “What starts out innocently as a mere accenting of the eyebrows can turn into full-on Justin Bieber in no time.” Nelson explained that the church leaders had felt compelled to nip Brown’s rebellious behavior in the bud. “If we let this slide then next week she could just stroll in with a nose ring.”
Nelson said that Brown knew better than to come to church “all tatted up.” He stressed that “people look up to her as a church matriarch. We can’t have her causing others to stumble down the path of vain and classless adornment.”
The church board has made clear that Brown is welcome back to church as a visitor providing she looks into a tattoo removal procedure. “Either that or she could opt for some serious Oakley shades,” said Nelson. “We are flexible and accepting as a church. No sin is greater than the next. It’s just that some are more visible than others.”
Many thanks to Kaleo for the story idea.