SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Adventist Risk Management has launched a major advertising campaign to drive sales of what a press release calls "Home Alone-style booby traps to enhance the safety of Adventists during the Time of Trouble."
ARM spokesperson Kevin McCallister said that "multi-purpose blow torches; painful Christmas ornament crush; feather-blowing mega fans from the early 90's and several other critical items" are now available with free shipping from the ARM website.
"There is no excuse for being caught unprepared during the Time of Trouble when you've got the right gear available to you," said McCallister. "The beauty of our products is that anyone who has seen the Christmas classic Home Alone, will know exactly how to use our booby traps to prevent home invasion."
Although McCallister admitted that escaping to the hills was still the best bet for Adventists in the long run, he insisted that ARM's thoughtfully-constructed booby traps were the perfect Christmas gift for any Adventist.
"You can never be too prepared," said McCallister somberly, urging Adventists to make time during the holidays to watch Home Alone with their loved ones.
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