Adventist Risk Management hawks Home Alone booby traps as Time of Trouble protection

Are you prepared?
Are you prepared?
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist Risk Management has launched a major advertising campaign to drive sales of what a press release calls “Home Alone-style booby traps to enhance the safety of Adventists during the Time of Trouble.”

ARM spokesperson Kevin McCallister said that “multi-purpose blow torches; painful Christmas ornament crush; feather-blowing mega fans from the early 90’s and several other critical items” are now available with free shipping from the ARM website.

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“There is no excuse for being caught unprepared during the Time of Trouble when you’ve got the right gear available to you,” said McCallister. “The beauty of our products is that anyone who has seen the Christmas classic Home Alone, will know exactly how to use our booby traps to prevent home invasion.”

Although McCallister admitted that escaping to the hills was still the best bet for Adventists in the long run, he insisted that ARM’s thoughtfully-constructed booby traps were the perfect Christmas gift for any Adventist.

“You can never be too prepared,” said McCallister somberly, urging Adventists to make time during the holidays to watch Home Alone with their loved ones.

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19 Comments

  1. Morgan Friedman

    “For the complete life, the perfect pattern includes old age as well as youth and maturity. The beauty of the morning and the radiance of the noon are good, but it would be a very silly person who drew the curtains and turned out the light in order to shut out the tranquility of the evening. Old age has its pleasures, which though different, are not less than the pleasures of youth.” ~ W. Somerset Maugham

    • Wilfred Owen

      Poem of war: Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
      Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
      Till on the haunting flares we turned out backs,
      And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
      Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,
      But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;
      Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
      Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

    • Hilarious Clinton

      When I become your President, I will hire Bill to protect me by keeping any would-be attackers so engrossed in his escapades with “that woman” with the stained blue dress, and his fables of “I did not inhale,” and his philosophical brilliance about “it depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is,” that the attackers will just forget to attack me. Sometimes it pays to have a spouse like him!

      • Mark O. Ruby-oh

        Q.: What did Donald Dump cross the road?
        A.: Because Vladimir Pukin’ told him to.

        Q.: Why did Donald Dump sell out America to Russia?
        A.: Because Dump was enamored and mesmerized by Pukin’.

        • Your half brain cognitive skills does not allow you think.
          I am not a Putin ally, I do respect him though. Russia is bouncing back and moving forward with capitalism.
          Putin has guts, glory and a set of cojones. So from a man point of view, I respect it. Girly men won’t understand me though

          • Putin's Puppet

            Not only am I an ally of Vlady Pukin’ , I am also Putin’s Puppet. I worship the ground he treads. In fact, Pukin’ practically walks on water. Better start brushin’ up on your Russian language skills, everybody, if you vote Dump & Pukin’ for 2016 !

          • Vladimir Pukin'

            I’m laughing my shirt off, at the way The Donald soaks up my flattery, and even returns the flattery. I’m a former KGB agent and a chess player, and The Donald will be nothing but a pawn in my hands. I’ll be pulling the strings. Amerika will be a branch-office of Moscow. Hope you guys all love Russian borscht!

  2. Elisha's Bears

    The way many United States people are killing each other more than any foreign threat, one of you will soon be Home Alone.

    Then us from the north will have a huge backyard all to ourselves.

  3. Elisha's Bears

    For sure all you Adventists, run to the hills. But you’ll still need to booby trap the bush and the caves and shoot down those black helicopters in hot pursuit of you.

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