Adventists flee to wilderness with trailer of FriChik, forget can opener

Group members have had trouble looking each other in the eye after discovering they were missing the can opener...
Group members have had trouble looking each other in the eye after discovering they were missing the can opener…
BITTERROOT MOUNTAINS, Mont. — A band of Adventists that fled to the Bitterroots range of the Rockies with a giant haul of FriChik has, upon arrival, learned that they forgot to bring a can opener.

The group of disgruntled Adventists decided to flee the city of Billings, Mont. after what leader, Frank Lee Alharmist, had described as “a few too many disastrous GC San Antonio votes that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the end.”

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Not relishing the thought of living off the land until it was strictly necessary, the group of Adventists had counted on the trailer of FriChik “for all necessary physical sustenance.” Unfortunately, enthusiasm for the relocation to the mountains had taken the place of a logistics review and, despite formidable supplies of FriChik and frantic top-to-bottom trailer searches, not one can opener appeared to have made the trip.

Over a shaky cell connection with potential recruits, Alharmist admitted that the lack of a way to access FriChik can contents had dealt the group “a bit of a setback” and that he and his quickly fading crew were down to their last bag of trail mix after a solid 13 hours of wilderness living.

As the trail mix represented their last stash of accessible food and no one in the group cared to hazard a guess as to which mountain berries were safe for human consumption, Alharmist phoned friends and family saying that he and his companions were willing to have a “second look” at the offending GC policies voted into effect recently.

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“We may have gotten a little ahead of ourselves,” admitted Alharmist, double-checking his trailer hitch as he turned around his van full of hungry escapees. “I’m pretty sure there’s a Denny’s a couple hours back.”




  1. Richard Mills

    Oldschool hit the nail on the head. No Master Guide, no Pathfinder training. Look around for a tooth of an animal, dead or alive. Let him chomp on the lid. Job done. What, no Little Debbie snacks? Those people ain’t ready for the end times!! Woe is me.

  2. Ray Kraft

    I’ve always wondered, if the End Times are a sure sign that Jesus is coming really really soon, why bother fleeing to the mountains? What for? Simpler to just go to prison, get three hots and a cot, and wait for the big earthquake to open the doors.

    Then we don’t have to open all those cans of FriChik with our teeth.

    I mean, wow! we’re about to go to heaven! Forever and ever! Why worry about a little persecution?

    Yeah, and this reminds me, when John F. Kennedy was elected the first Catholic president, before most of the readers here were born, I suppose, the pastor at the Loma Linda University Church got up to do the sermon and declared solemnly that this was a sure sign of the End Times, the Unholy Alliance between America and the Papacy, and that Jesus would surely come during JFK’s first term as president.

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