Andrews students devastated that their mystery Valentine’s package came from Campus Ministries

A box of disappointment...
A box of disappointment…
BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — By mid-afternoon today, hundreds of Andrews University students had left bitter Valentine’s Day messages on Campus Ministries Department voicemail. The cause of the outrage was a small package the department had delivered outside each dorm resident’s room.

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“I woke up from my usual Sabbath afternoon nap to find a red package with a Valentine’s look to it,” said sophomore Jenny Payne in an interview with Andrews-based newspaper, The Student Movement. “I was super excited and was running through a mental list of which cute guy it had to be from until I ripped the paper off and saw it was a box of spearmints from Campus Ministries.”

It quickly became evident that Payne was not the only student to be disappointed by the origins of the Valentine’s surprise. “I’ve been playing it pretty cool but I will admit that I really had my hopes up when I saw that red box outside my door,” said junior Sam Kelley. “I’ve been working on the same girl for over a year and I thought this was her finally agreeing to a date.”

By 4:25 PM, Andrews students had vented their romantic frustrations on Campus Ministries by crashing the department’s voicemail and stacking a monster pile of red boxes outside its office doors.

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Even long-suffering Theology majors admitted to being crushed by the packages. “As a student of church history, I know Adventists see great disappointment as part of their heritage but there is no reason to re-open the wounds of the past,” said senior Theology major, Sergio Barcelo. “This is officially my worst Valentine’s on record. I thought my future nurse had finally revealed her identity.”


4 Comments

  1. Ray Kraft

    The mystery deepens.

    Little is known about St. Valentine, who may have been one, two, or three people with the same name, and who may have been martyred by Emperor Claudius II or Emperor Claudius Gothicus by flogging and beheading on February 14 in 269, or 270, or 273.

    The history is magificently unclear!

    It is said that he healed the Emperor’s blind daughter, restoring her sight by laying his hands on her eyes, not long before the Emperor had him killed for continuing to teach Christianity, which seems to be an odd way of saying “thank you.”

    The Catholic church authorized the veneration of St. Valentine on February 14, if the local church isn’t busy venerating any other saint on the same day.

    I’m sure it must warm the cockles of St. Valentine’s heart to see that the Campus Ministries Department at Andrews University is venerating him with thousands of little red boxes of spearmints!

  2. Richard Mills

    Oh, those poor whiny, wussy, cry baby students at AU! You should be lucky to get a Valentine box-empty or not. It’s the thought that counts, get it? Get over it!! Get back to the books. Less socializing. More academics. Your student loans are being financed by my taxpaying back. Woe is me.

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