AUC changes name to Canadian University College to attract Canadians

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All kidding aside, click to learn more about Union College

LANCASTER, Mass. — Atlantic Union College (AUC) announced plans for a dramatic name change today. “Effective September 1, AUC will change its name to Canadian University College,” said Vice President for Public Relations, Vince Pearl.

There are two reasons for the name change: “For starters, the real Canadian University College, a sister institution of our’s in Alberta, Canada, is changing its name to Burman University this year,” said Pearl. “More importantly we thought the new name would boost Canadian enrollment at our school.”

AUC which has been plagued by years of low enrollment and a suspension of bachelor’s degree programs in 2011, recently decided to offer three non-higher education programs pending approval from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. “Our versatilty in terms of course offerings extends to name branding,” said Pearl. “Canadian University College seems to have done well with their name and if it is now up for grabs, we’ll grab it.”

Administration believes that an influx of Canadian students could be just what their struggling institution needs. “Canadians are great because their nationality denies them eligibilty for a lot of scholarships and financial aid that eats into our profits with regular American students,” said Pearl.

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He added that the biggest hurdle the administration had faced in getting governing board approval for the rebranding had not been “the Canadian part” of the new name but rather, the confusing “University College” designation.

“We are kind of stepping out in faith with the latter part of the name, hoping that it will work,” admitted Pearl. “No one on our team actually knows what it means. Maybe that’s why the Canadians ditched it.”

Special thanks to an anonymous reader for the story idea


6 Comments

  1. Richard Mills

    Even if your byline were true, the Massachusetts DOE, the Secretary of State, Assembly & Senate,the Governor would not allow a foreign name on a Massachusetts college/university.
    Come up with a more acceptable name of my New England School. Bah humbug!! Woe is me!!

  2. Ray Kraft

    So, low enrollment eating into profits resulting in suspension of Bachelors degree programs . . . so we change the name to “Canadian” and the Canadians come running.

    I know, it’s satire.

    But the escalation in the cost of college education in America has put college out of reach for too many people . . . maybe the Adventists colleges could take a real hard look at how to deliver good educations for less money . . . even offering more 2-year degrees alongside the 4-year degrees.

    They could even take the lead and show the rest of the country how to run a college without bankrupting the parents and saddling the kids with a lifetime of student loan payments . . .

    Or, low enrollment, maybe the kids are just going to funner schools, so maybe the Adventists colleges should work to develop better reps as party schools, and the kids would come runnin’ from everywhere!

    Sorry, I musta been smokin’ too much crabgrass.

    • In addition, financial aid and scholarships come from donors (or the government, in the case of student loans), so the college gets the money either way. Still, though, amazing article. University College, indeed.

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