Parents Beg Still-At-Home Son To Go Forth And Multiply

BRACKNELL, Berks. — The Browns have prayed for years for their son Mark to get a life and get out of their house. But three years after getting an English Literature degree, the call center Read more […]

GC Issues Rare Male Modesty Guidelines For Lederhosen-Loving Germans

SILVER SPRING, Md. — German Adventist men have received personalized letters from the General Conference imploring them to wear lederhosen that, at the very least, reach their knees. The Read more […]

Prodigal Son’s Brother Suddenly Vegan For Return Feast

ANCIENT JUDEA — A catering crisis blew up minutes after the prodigal son returned to his father. Although most of the household and its well-compensated staff were delighted at the announcement Read more […]

Camporee Pin-Trading Mania Prompts New Jewelry Guidelines

OSHKOSH, Wis. — The collecting and trading of countless pins at the International Pathfinder Camporee in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, has prompted an emergency clarification of the Adventist stance on Read more […]

Smart Fridge Reports Adventists That Store Banned Products

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists around the world have been directed to buy Frigid a new smart fridge that is designed to keep members accountable health-wise. Frigid reports the presence of Read more […]

King David Referred To Compliance Committee For Dancing Half-Naked

TODAY IN ANCIENT ISRAEL — King David was referred to a compliance committee earlier today after religious leaders caught wind of the fact that he had spent a good portion of the day dancing Read more […]

Trump Tasks Maranatha Volunteers With Developing Greenland

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Right on the heels of expressing an interest in “buying” Greenland, US President Donald Trump has asked Adventist volunteer building organization, Maranatha, to develop the Read more […]

“Liberated” Congregation Resolves Never To Call Sin By Its Right Name

BREEZE, Calif. — Members of Grace Fellowship Adventist Church held a formal candle light service last Friday night, vowing publicly never to dampen the congregational vibe by calling sin by Read more […]

GC Compliance Committee Brought In To Stop Hong Kong Protests

HONG KONG – Over-stretched Hong Kong law enforcement authorities have invited a General Conference compliance committee to put a stop to pro-democracy protests that have rocked the city for weeks. Read more […]