GC Requires Wedding Bands, Admits Ringless Marriages “Super Confusing”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the biggest reversal in church policy since, well, EVER, the GC is now requiring married Adventists to wear wedding bands. “Although we won’t be opening jewellery Read more […]

Contractor Transforms Basements Into Time Of Trouble Bunkers

Mole Hill, Tenn. — Stor Kallare, a licensed contractor with a specialty in “luxury, prophecy-savvy design” is currently over-booked transforming the basements of Adventists across the nation, Read more […]

Music Pastor Job Hunting After Playing Baby Shark During Children’s Offering

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Bebo Greenley, who until recently was music pastor at Heavenly Waters Adventist Church in Berrien Springs, is on the hunt for fresh job leads after being fired last Read more […]

Epcot Center Visits Now Count As Overseas Mission

SILVER SPRING, Md. — GC Missions strategists have confirmed that visits to Orlando’s Epcot Center satisfy all the requirements for overseas mission as the place has a “super international feel Read more […]

Legalistic Sunblock Protects Users From New Light

WORLDWIDE — To minimize the chances of people experiencing spiritual growth of any kind, Remnant Complex Industries has just launched a legalistic sunblock that protects users from receiving Read more […]

GC: Natalie Portman Can Be Commissioned But Not Ordained As New Thor

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has weighed in on the Marvel Studios announcement that Natalie Portmam will play Thor in the upcoming franchise installment “Thor: Love and Thunder.” Read more […]

NAD Seizes GC Canoe As Bible Camp Tensions Escalate

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Earlier today, a canoe flying the General Conference flag was seized by a North American Division kayak patrol that claimed the vessel had strayed into the NAD corner of Read more […]