Homeland Security Secretary Resigns to Focus on Curfew Enforcement at Southern

WASHINGTON, DC – This week, US Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen resigned her position after 16 months on the often controversial job of deploying Trump-era security tactics aimed at keeping Read more […]

Pastor Loses All Credibility After Cutting Off Deacon On Sabbath Morning

Speedlane, Calif. — Pastor Cal Rolinstop was already later than usual when he cut off a red SUV in a cartoonishly un-ChristlikeĀ manner about half a mile from church last weekend. To the recently-ordained Read more […]

Mueller Report Fully Exonerates Carson of Office Napping Accusations

WASHINGTON, D.C. —Ā Minutes after news that special prosecutor Robert Mueller had submitted his report, the US Department of Housing and Urban Development held a press briefing to say that HUD Read more […]

Deacons to Drive Out After-Church Socializers With Whips

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons across the denomination have been given the authority to drive out confirmed over-socializers with whips if they do not clear the sanctuary within 15 minutes Read more […]

Sabbath Wading Oversight Committee Makes Splash

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A brand new oversight committee concerned exclusively with Sabbath wading, was announced in the General Conference auditorium this morning. Armed with bulky measuring sticks, Read more […]

GC Auditorium Transformed Into State-Of-The-Art Echo Chamber

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A massive renovation project has transformed the General Conference auditorium into an echo chamber featuring cutting-edge technology that ensures those inside the hall Read more […]

ABCs Stop Carrying Old Testament Due to All the Sex, Violence and Drugs

Adventist World — Adventist Book Center outlets will no longer carry copies of the Old Testament due to what the stores call “stratospheric levels of sex, violence and drug abuse contained in Read more […]

Progressive Press Updates Fundamental Beliefs In “28 Optional Tips” Pamphlet

ADVENTIST WORLD — Happy Clappy Publications has announced the latest in its line of progressive Adventist titles: 28 Optional Tips. The slim, scented pamphlet downgrades each Adventist fundamental Read more […]