Churches to Officially Rank Potluck Dishes Each Sabbath

ADVENTIST WORLD — Potluck dishes at Adventist churches will be officially ranked as of this Sabbath. A church board subcommittee at each congregation will be assigned to pre-taste each dish Read more […]

Mueller Investigation Finds Mustard Stash in GC Basement

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In what has universally been acknowledged as the biggest bust of the operation so far, the Mueller Investigation has discovered what it calls a “robust stash of grade A Read more […]

Biblical Research Institute: Unclear if Government Will Reopen Before Second Coming

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Biblical Research Institute announced this morning that three weeks of intense study had led the team to conclude that it was unclear what would come first: the reopening Read more […]

Uber Adds “Flee to Hills” Button for Time of Trouble

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Ridesharing platform Uber has added a “flee to the hills” button for Adventist customers aiming to escape the Time of Trouble. The firm’s leadership said that the button Read more […]

GC Launches “Golden Watches” Alternative to Golden Globes

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference offices of the Adventist Church announced an Adventist answer to the Golden Globe awards yesterday. The brand new Golden Watch awards will “celebrate Read more […]

WARNING: Brexit Could Have “Terrible Consequences” For Newbold Cafeteria Menu

BERKSHIRE, England — In a last-ditch effort to stop Brexit proceedings, Newbold College had warned that the UK’s departure from the European Union could have “terrible consequences” on the menu Read more […]

CONFIRMED: Adventists Born With Two Left Feet

Adventist World: A recently released study by an interdiscipinary team of Loma Linda University faculty has confirmed what many have long suspected: Adventists are born with two left feet. The Read more […]

Wilson and Jackson Resolve to Wear Matching Friendship Bracelets Throughout 2019

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In what the GC is calling “the ultimate sign of bromantic, compliant UNITY,” General Conference President Ted Wilson and North American Division President Dan Jackson have Read more […]