Desmond Doss-inspired Halo video game spin-off features unarmed medic saving wounded soldiers

BREAKING NEWS REDMOND, Wash.—Xbox has announced plans to release Desmond, a video game inspired by World War II medic Desmond Doss. The Adventist conscientious objector saved dozens of Read more […]

Netflix introduces Sabbath filter

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Online streaming giant Netflix has announced plans to create a “Sabbath” filter that saves Adventists the agonizing work of scrolling through huge swathes of entirely unSabbathy Read more […]

Adventist liberal passionate about open-mindedness as long as it doesn’t challenge his opinions

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventist Liberal Max Chellin has spent much of today in full-on productivity mode, mouthing off in all caps online about the extreme narrow-mindedness of conservatives Read more […]

Newly-approved compliance document forces all Adventists to follow same recipe for potluck lasagna

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Seventh-day Adventist Church’s General Conference Administrative Committee voted on Tuesday, July 17, a potluck veggie lasagna recipe document recommended by the Read more […]

GC demands more seating for angels in theater lobbies

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders have written a stern letter to major American theater chains demanding that they dramatically increase the “quantity and quality of theater lobby angel Read more […]

French Adventists boast “Total Member Involvement” in watching World Cup Final

FRANCE — Leaders of the Adventist Church in France have confirmed that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there was total member involvement among Adventists in the country watching the World Cup Read more […]

Kylie Jenner releases line of Adventist-approved “SabbathLipstick”

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Fast on her way to billionairedom, reality star  entrepreneur Kylie Jenner has opened yet another line in her cosmetics empire: Adventist-approved SabbathLipstick. According Read more […]

English Adventists wear sackloth and ashes after World Cup ouster

ENGLAND — Adventists across England have donned sackcloth and ashes after a devastating World Cup defeat by Croatia. Church members that had secretly been praying that England would feature Read more […]

Environmental Protection Agency warns of “dangerously high judginess levels” at your local church

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an emergency announcement, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is warning the nation of impending disaster after “dangerously high judginess levels” were detected Read more […]