Adventist found guilty of Sabbath swimming after falling in pool

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Adventist Supreme Court has found a member guilty of Sabbath swimming despite what he claims was an entirely accidental fall into a friend’s pool. The incident which Read more […]

Adventist church greeters required to use breath mints

ADVENTIST WORLD — In a move towards fresher hospitality for Adventist churches, greeters will be required to use breath mints as of this coming Sabbath. The new policy was established after Read more […]

Southern increases student fines to keep up with inflation

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Southern Adventist University has raised the price of students fines to keep up with inflation. All of the items on the university’s impressively comprehensive list of Read more […]

Spirit-led Adventist late to church after taking wrong exit

INLAND EMPIRE, Calif. — A devout Adventist well known for claiming to be “100% Spirit-led” sheepishly sank into a back pew last Sabbath after getting hopelessly lost on the way to church. Dubbel Read more […]

Report: Adventists “living proof” vegetarians can get fat

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Anyone curious as to whether vegetarians can pile on the pounds over the holidays need look no further than the average Adventist congregation say researchers at Loma Linda Read more […]

Beer place admits to ‘slight miscalculation’ after advertising to GYC crowd

PHOENIX, Ariz. — A local watering hole realized a little too late that it had advertised its Happy Hour offerings to the wrong crowd. Admitting to a “slight miscalculation,” Pit Stop Bar Read more […]

Pentatonix releases remix of Adventist classic “We Have This Hope”

ARLINGTON, Texas — Hot off a successful Christmas tour, popular a cappella group Pentatonix has announced the release of their own remix of Adventist classic We Have This Hope. Kevin “K.O.” Read more […]

Linguists categorize ‘Adventist’ as its own language

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Linguistic Society of America has recognized ‘Adventist’ as a language unto itself. The organization says that the “astounding amount of jargon in the Adventist denomination Read more […]