Linguists categorize ‘Adventist’ as its own language

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Linguistic Society of America has recognized ‘Adventist’ as a language unto itself. The organization says that the “astounding amount of jargon in the Adventist denomination Read more […]

Hot new church visitors are answers to everyone’s prayers

ORLANDO, Fla. — Countless prayers were answered this Sabbath morning as a group of hot strangers walked into Lonely Souls church just in time for the meet n’ greet. Thanking God for ending Read more […]

Report: Answer to 99% of Children’s Story questions is “Jesus”

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Researchers at Andrews University who have been studying Sabbath morning children’s stories in Adventist churches have come to a shocking conclusion: The answer to 99% Read more […]

Chuck Norris hired to enforce compliance in Adventist Church

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has hired American martial artist and actor Chuck Norris, to enforce policy compliance within the denomination. Norris, Read more […]

Adventists called to be like Buddy in Elf: In the world but not of it

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists everywhere are being urged by their denomination to watch or re-watch the movie ElfĀ  this Christmas. The reason? The main character, Buddy (played by Will Ferrell), Read more […]

Southern’s Religion faculty busted for watching Star Wars in theater

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Faculty members of Southern Adventist University’s School of Religion are facing formal disciplinary action after being caught watching Star Wars: The Last Jedi en masse Read more […]

FDA recommends haystacks as “most balanced meal in America” (OBG)

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rolled out a new set of recommendations for healthy eating. At the top of its list of recommended meals is what the agency Read more […]

Texts written in Adventist churches to be read from pulpit

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists caught texting in church will have their phones confiscated and their texts read from the pulpit as of this coming Sabbath. The clampdown on texting comes as Read more […]

GC sorting union presidents into naughty or nice lists

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Third floor General Conference offices are abuzz with activity this December as administrators sort the names of union presidents from around the world into “naughty” or Read more […]