Georgia Dome Implodes From Guilt Over Hosting Ted Wilson’s 2010 Election

ATLANTA, Ga. — Seven years after hosting the 2010 General Conference Session in which current GC President Ted Wilson was elected, the Georgia Dome has imploded with guilt over its tragic facilitation Read more […]

PEOPLE Magazine names Adventist 100-year-old bodybuilder ‘sexiest man alive’

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — PEOPLE magazine has crowned a 100-year-old Adventist bodybuilder from Loma Linda the “sexiest man alive.” The magazine said that instead of choosing a celebrity, they Read more […]

Security experts warn Adventists to stop using 1844 for their PIN numbers

SECURITY UPDATE SILVER SPRING, Md. — Security experts at Adventist Risk Management have warned Adventists using 1844 as their PIN number that they are exposing themselves to huge risks. “If Read more […]

Trump converts to NEWSTART, becomes “YUGE fan of water”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent conversion to Adventist NEWSTART principles led to President Donald Trump’s now-infamous water sipping during a recent speech. Trump had relentlessly mocked Republican Read more […]

‘The Lion King’ approved as Sabbath movie “because it has animals”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Disney’s The Lion King has been approved by the Adventist Church as an approved “Sabbath movie.” This means that Adventists will be free to watch the animated classic Read more […]

Trump, Duterte lead Asian leaders in singing “Side by Side”

MANILA, Philippines — US President Donald Trump and Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte led heads of state from across Southeast Asia and beyond in singing the Adventist favorite chorus “Side Read more […]

Adventist Church launches “PANIC!” dating app for single members over 30

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Adventist Church has launched the latest in a succession of dating apps for faithful members. PANIC! is specifically designed for single members aged 30 and above. “There Read more […]