Trump converts to NEWSTART, becomes “YUGE fan of water”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent conversion to Adventist NEWSTART principles led to President Donald Trump’s now-infamous water sipping during a recent speech. Trump had relentlessly mocked Republican Read more […]

‘The Lion King’ approved as Sabbath movie “because it has animals”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Disney’s The Lion King has been approved by the Adventist Church as an approved “Sabbath movie.” This means that Adventists will be free to watch the animated classic Read more […]

Trump, Duterte lead Asian leaders in singing “Side by Side”

MANILA, Philippines — US President Donald Trump and Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte led heads of state from across Southeast Asia and beyond in singing the Adventist favorite chorus “Side Read more […]

Adventist Church launches “PANIC!” dating app for single members over 30

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Adventist Church has launched the latest in a succession of dating apps for faithful members. PANIC!Ā is specifically designed for single members aged 30 and above. “There Read more […]

Last two single students at Walla Walla get engaged

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — Walla Walla University has confirmed that the final remaining single students at the university just got engaged to one another. Kristian Lentisimo got down on one Read more […]

Adventist prays for sun to stand still so she can finish her Friday chores

LONDON, England — An Adventist woman paused in prayer this afternoon, pleading for the sun to stand still so she could finish her long list of chores before sunset. Franically listing the Read more […]

GC to increase fundamental count to 95 to commemorate Reformation

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — In continued celebration of the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, the General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church will be increasing the Read more […]