Adventist AV guys told they cannot blame “technical difficulties” on the Devil

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRINGS, Md. — AV guys across the Adventist world have been warned that blaming feedback, malfunctioning mics and all manner of other technical difficulty on the Devil Read more […]

Elon Musk unveils rockets that can get Adventists to church on time

HAWTHORNE, Calif. — Billionaire inventor Elon Musk of Tesla and Space X fame has unveiled his boldest project to date: rockets that will get Adventists to church on time. Musk said that the Read more […]

Fixer Upper Stars to head up Maranatha church construction

WACO, Tex. — Fresh off announcing that they are calling it quits with their wildly popular home renovation show, Fixer Upper stars Chip and Joanna Gaines have decided to try their hand at building Read more […]

Pregnancy scan tells Adventists if their baby will be a pastor, teacher or medical professional

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventist couples expecting babies have crashed registration sites for a new kind of pregnancy scan. The Sabatistascan allows Adventist parents to know with 99% certainty Read more […]

Judge Judy to preside over GC Annual Council

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Due to the very sensitive nature of the agenda for this year’s General Conference Annual Council, the Adventist Church has hired outside help to preside over the meetings. Read more […]

Michigan Conference declares “Mission Accomplished” as its membership reaches 144,000

LANCING, Mich. — A huge event has been planned to celebrate the membership of Michigan Conference reaching 144,000. Titled Mission Accomplished, the celebration is to take place on a Lake Read more […]

Adventist church pays for members’ knee replacements after marathon prayer

Boughdon, Ga. — Seven members of an Adventist congregation in Boughdon, Georgia have been awarded free knee replacements from their church after an extremely long prayer led to irreversible Read more […]

GC declares Adventist martial law to enforce unity

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a bid to ensure unity within the Church worldwide, the General Conference has declared Adventist Martial Law. “As of this moment all of Adventism will resemble the Read more […]

New Adventist offering baskets reject $1 bills

SILVER SPRING, Md. — To encourage more generous Adventist giving on Sabbath mornings, new offering plates have been designed that automatically reject $1 bills. The new electronic baskets Read more […]