Angels completely confused about difference between commissioning and ordination

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Angels assigned to watch over Adventist church bureaucrats held an emergency meeting today as frustration over Adventist jargon reached what spokesangel Riseubuvit called “apocalyptic Read more […]

Oakwood’s Aeolians to feature as “the competition” in Pitch Perfect 3

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — The award-winning Aeolians of Oakwood University will feature on the big screen in upcoming acapella movie Pitch Perfect 3. The film’s casting directors pitched the Aeolians Read more […]

The Real Audiovisual Guys of Campmeeting coming to 3ABN this fall!

WEST FRANKFORT, Ill.- 3ABN is introducing a new 12 episode reality series this fall, The Real Audiovisual Guys of Campmeeting. The network has confirmed that the series began filming in early Read more […]

Adventist Camp Meeting Reports “Tremendous Revival” After Accidentally Serving Real Coffee

SLEEPY HOLLOW, Colo. — A Rocky Mountain Conference camp meeting reported a “tremendous revival” today with crowds of Adventist talking, singing and preaching excitedly at an energy level never Read more […]

Independent review declares GC San Antonio complete fiasco. Recommends redo.

SILVER SPRING, Md. — An independent review of the 2015 San Antonio-based General Conference Session has declared it a “complete fiasco.” The review by the Adventist Anti-Corruption Bureau Read more […]

Southern offers free engagement watches to boost marriage proposals

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Southern Adventist University is offering free engagement watches to reward any successful wedding proposal in the coming school year. The perfectly matched his and hers Read more […]

General Conference declares monopoly on truth

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to “clear a few things up and establish unity once and for all”, the General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has declared an absolute monopoly on Read more […]

Books with Words Banned in Michigan Conference; Book Burning Vespers Scheduled

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — On Thursday, July 6, Seventh-day Adventist Michigan Conference President Jay Gallimore announced that all books containing words would be banned at the three Adventist Read more […]

Adventist congregation hurls newly-baptized member into deep end of pool

Sacramento, Calif. — Members of Stricten Narrow Adventist Church did not even let new convert Waz Hapnin change out of his dripping baptismal robe before they collectively grabbed him. Hapnin, Read more […]

American Adventists CRUSH Guinness World Record for veggie burgers grilled

SILVER SPRING, Md. — American Adventists have broken the Guinness World Record for veggie burgers grilled and consumed in a day. Real time data on Adventist veggie burger consumption is being Read more […]