Trump fires Carson for falling asleep in presidential briefing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The latest in a flurry of termination notices from the White House targeted Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson today. The former neurosurgeon allegedly Read more […]

Adventists offer #nuggsforCarter kid lifetime of FriChik to become vegetarian

RENO, Nevada — Carter Wilkerson who just won a year’s supply of Wendy’s chicken nuggets for having the most retweeted Twitter post of all time has received an even juicier offer from the Adventist Read more […]

Loma Linda promotes food pyramid made up entirely of Big Franks

Loma Linda, Calif. — Nutritionists at Loma Linda University claiming to have discovered the ideal human diet have revealed a new recommended food pyramid. Instead of the pyramid consisting Read more […]

Ted Wilson expresses special affection for “brilliantly named” Trans-European Division (TED)

SPRING, Md. — Much to everyone’s surprise, General Conference President Ted Wilson told reporters today that his favorite world division of the Adventist Church was the Trans-European Division Read more […]

Alicia Johnston to keynote GC-organized conference on human sexuality

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Three years after the General Conference neglected to invite a single openly-gay presenter to the first Adventist conference on homosexuality and alternative sexuality, Read more […]

Adventist sermon rating app promises to weed out bad preachers

Collegedale, Tenn. — A new app called BLAH-BLAH allows Adventists to rate their preachers. Creators of the app are hoping to weed out bad preachers from Adventist churches. In a promotional Read more […]

Merriam-Webster’s defines “haystacks” as “Adventist crack”

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — In a soon-to-be-published new edition, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary has listed an additional definition for the term “haystacks.” In addition to it being the plural form Read more […]

GC organizes mandatory Unity Lock-in for rebel union leaders

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders that attended a General Conference-organized invite-only event have been out of contact with the outside world for days. Leaders of Adventist unions Read more […]