Yelp claims Dwight Nelson’s jokes are funnier by second service

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Ratings and reviews company Yelp has begun allowing parishioners to grade their ministers on their performance in the pulpit. The overall consensus in Berrien Springs, Read more […]

Taco Bell grants Adventist request, rebrands taco salad as “haystacks”

IRVINE, Calif. — In a move celebrated by Seventh-day Adventist Taco Bell-lovers across the United States, the fast-food chain has agreed to a longstanding Adventists request to rebrand all of Read more […]

Jaime Jorge to perform at tonight’s MTV Video Music Awards

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Miley Cyrus, the risk-embracing host of this year’s MTV Video Music Awards has announced that as she is in charge of tonight’s proceedings, she will be “taking a wrecking Read more […]

Doug Batchelor reunites with long-lost twin brother

GRANITE BAY, Calif. — In Doug Batchelor news completely unrelated to the papacy or women’s ordination, the much-discussed Seventh-day Adventist Evangelist announced an emotional reunion with Read more […]

Kylie Jenner enrolls at La Sierra University

CALABASAS, Calif. — Perhaps the most famous 18-year-old in the world, Los Angeles native Kylie Jenner graduated with her high school diploma this summer and has enrolled as a business management Read more […]

Ted Wilson’s email scrutinized amid allegations he exposed haystacks secrets

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Seventh-day Adventist World Headquarters was completely aflutter today at the news that General Conference President Ted Wilson could face disciplinary action for questionable Read more […]

Report: Little Debbie not so little anymore

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — McKee Foods, the Adventist-owned parent company of the legendary Little Debbie snack cakes, is being forced to rebrand. The reason? Little Debbie can by no stretch of the Read more […]

Study: Adventist moms most likely to have found you the perfect date

Washington, D.C. — Researchers at the National Institute for Social Science have concluded a ten year study into romantic matchmaking by identifying the demographic most likely to have found Read more […]

Michigan Conference bans sex on Sabbath, says it’s work

LANSING, Mich. — Never a conference to shy away from taking a hard line on controversial issues, the Michigan Conference has officially banned sex on Sabbath among its membership. “Not only Read more […]