Search committee sets up Danish accent auditions for Andrews presidency candidates

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Pushy Adventist headhunters have been barging into Copenhagen’s cafe church, a string of church offices and other hotspots of Adventist Denmark trying to find a replacement Read more […]

New General Conference slogan: “Unity Over Conscience”

Silver Spring, MD — General Conference leaders seeking a catchy slogan to power their efforts until the next GC elections have found one they are convinced has a fun ring to it: Unity Over Conscience. “What Read more […]

Clapping sound heard from rocks as Adventist leaders ban church applause

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference officials were both alarmed and genuinely annoyed this morning to hear a loud clapping sound coming from rocks around the huge building housing the Seventh-day Read more […]

Chris Brown to perform at Adventist University of the Philippines on fraud forgiveness tour

MANILA, Philippines — Recording artist Chris Brown has agreed to settle with Philippine concert producers Maligaya Development Corp after being accused of defrauding them by neglecting to show Read more […]

Sabbath School editor Clifford Goldstein recruits Jon Stewart to spice up quarterly

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Closet Adventist fans of Comedy Central’s recently-exited Daily Show satirist Jon Stewart, were delighted to hear than the funnyman has been recruited to give the Seventh-day Read more […]

Following Megyn Kelly diss, General Conference names Trump Women’s Ministries Advisor

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Citing the need for strong male leadership in women’s ministries, General Conference leadership has looked to bring in some outside expertise in the form of outspoken real Read more […]

La Sierra declares war on Southern, adds marriage to graduation requirements

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — “Oh no they didn’t!” were the first words out of Adventist marketing analyst, Val U. Genysis after hearing the news that La Sierra University’s administration has decided Read more […]

40 Days of FriChik fad sweeps Adventism

No strangers to the 40 Days of Prayer phenomenon, Adventist small groups across the United States are taking on a bold, entirely new challenge: 40 Days of FriChik. “Few rituals bond us together Read more […]

Andrews Seminary Greek center flat broke, seeks emergency bailout

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Despite years of devastating austerity measures and spartan living, leaders at the Greek Manuscript Research Center of Andrews University’s Seventh-day Adventist Theological Read more […]

Loma Linda OK with taking arm and leg as tuition

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Ever the innovators, financial administrators of Loma Linda University School of Medicine have decided to help students struggling to pay their tuition in exchange for the Read more […]