Brewery buys Adventist Hospital

hands-toasting-with-beer-mugs_125401
Here’s to new partnerships…
AUNT JELENA, Fla. — In an unprecedented move, Aunt Jelena Hospital, formerly one of more than 40 hospitals in Adventist Wealth Systems, has been sold to Sierra Vieja Brewing Company. Management of the hospital, which has seen its share of financial struggles over the last several years, will officially be transferred to Sierra Vieja Brewing Company on April 15, 2014.

All kidding aside, click to learn more about Union College

“It’s with sadness that we divest with Aunt Jelena Hospital,” said Adventist Wealth Systems Senior Vice President for Divestment, Tim Obson. The hospital is a cornerstone of the community and has been offering above-average health care for years.”

“Healthcare is a very competitive marketplace and we have been taking a beating with paper-thin margins for about a decade at this facility,” added the system’s Chief Financial Officer, Brian Markesonn. “There is no way that we can continue to pay our executives their guaranteed minimum of ‘base Adventist pastor pay x 4’ unless we take some big steps to re-balance our investments across the region.”

Adventist Wealth Systems executives stress that the decision to sell Aunt Jelena Hospial was not easy. “We explored every other avenue but there is only so much we can overcharge patients before things get a little dicey,” said system Legal Affairs Director, Brianna Harris.

The transfer of ownership to Sierra Vieja Brewers, while surprising to the community of Aunt Jelena, was first suggested by the hospital’s charitable foundation. “Sierra Vieja Brewery has for decades been the biggest donor to our galas and golf tournaments. Our West Wing was constructed entirely as a result of a $100 million Sierra Vieja donation,” explained Foundation President, Tim Brentson.

Tell the World: The Inspiring Story of the Seventh-day Adventist Church

“It made perfect sense to explore new ground in our relationship as institutions,” added hospital president and CEO, Mark Reese.

“We’ve had a long and successful relationship with Sierra Vieja, so it is with utmost confidence that we now transfer formal ownership of the hospital to the best brewery this county has ever seen,” added Brentson, the only executive who will stay on for the transition.

Quick Reminder for the Comment Section: Every post on BarelyAdventist is satirical. As in, the news story you just read was not literally real. The “satrically Adventist” tag and the “About” section make that abundantly clear. This blog is written by committed Adventists that believe that humor is a great way to discuss Adventist culture and issues. This it not a place for hotheads. Rude, judgmental comments or other attacks will be deleted. On the other hand, if you feel you can contribute to the discussion in a constructive and friendly “inside voice”, then have at it!

LEAVE A COMMENT

5 Comments

  1. dea shenk

    Brewery, yes that reminds me to call my husband , right now , and have him pick up some beer on the way home. It is really important when you live in the country to have some beer on hand. This country living sure adds up to many little problems. A little beer here and there sure makes the country living more enjoyable. Naturally my husband is a little reluctant to pick it up since he is a treasurer and deacon in the church. But you know how it is. Ya gotta have it. We try to buy beer that could look like it is soda. You know, so no one sees it in the check out line. There is nothing wrong with beer right? Well its good to know the church is all for it too. What a relief. My slugs don’t know what hits them when they smell that full bodied beer and fall in love and jump in my old butter tubs full of beer. That’s the end of them. Yeah! Just a little garden tip for all those people who have Adventist country garden problems. By the way could you have the exchange with the hospital and beer company discuss making a friendlier non looking can of beer for non drinking Adventists, one that looks more like root beer? Dea

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *