Adventist church nappers to face mandatory rebaptism

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Claiming that Sabbath morning church services are starting to resemble a mass slumber party, Adventist church leadership announced formal punishments for repeat church nappers: Read more […]

Adventist evangelist resorts to drive-by baptisms

SEATTLE, Wash. — Adventist evangelist Duncan Good has reported a record number of baptisms this year. He credits uncoventional, out-of-the-box thinking and an abundance of roadside puddles Read more […]

Adventist evangelists ordered to stop using revolving doors to boost baptismal tallies

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a push to retain new members, the Adventist Church has ordered its evangelists to stop using revolving doors in campaigns held around the world. While prized the Read more […]

Visitor to Adventist Church calls 911 to report guy drowning people

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Police stormed a Seventh-day Adventist Church this morning after reports that a man was drowning people in a tank. The 911 call came from Primera Ves, a newcomer to Still Read more […]

Haystacks Oath of Allegiance added to Adventist baptismal vows

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Seventh-day Adventist baptismal vows have been updated to reflect what church leaders are calling “undeniable cultural realities.” In addition to the usual list of mostly Read more […]

Trump to ban Adventists from outsourcing baptisms to other countries

NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a rare policy speech this morning, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump vowed to stop the Seventh-day Adventist Church from outsourcing its baptisms to countries outside Read more […]

Loma Linda University Church faces shutdown for not changing baptismal water

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Loma Linda city public health authorities have announced the likely shutdown of Loma Linda University Church after discovering that the baptismal tank water had not been Read more […]

Adventist evangelist: Nobody is going anywhere until one more responds to altar call

BREAKING NEWS Marietta, Ga. — Today’s evangelistic campaign crowd in downtown Marietta, Ga. has been notified that everyone will be staying put until at least one more brave soul comes up Read more […]

Californian Adventist converts to be baptized in Oregon due to drought

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — With the state of California facing one of the most severe droughts on record, the Pacific Union of Seventh-day Adventists has banned baptisms in any California Read more […]

All baptismal candidates to be scanned for tattoos

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Baptismal candidates have an extra hurdle to clear in the process of joining the church. In addition to the ambitious series of Bible studies most candidates experience, Read more […]