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Archive for category "Church Growth"

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Category: Church Growth

Church Growth

Adventist deacons issued Super Soakers to wake up church nappers

By sevvy September 11, 2017  church discipline, hospitality 2

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons have received the ultimate weapon to combat napping in church: Super Soakers. Shipments of the high-power water guns arrived at Adventist churches worldwide Read more […]

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Church Growth

All Adventist prayers to feature King James English

By sevvy September 5, 2017  battle of the versions 3

SILVER SPRING, Md. — English-speaking Adventists around the world have been instructed to only use King James English when praying. Church leaders explained that exclusive use of the 17th Read more […]

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Church Growth

Adventist churches across America schedule Comey hearings to boost attendance

By sevvy June 8, 2017  boost, Steroids 6

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Adventist Churches across America have been stumbling over themselves trying to schedule former FBI Director James Comey for an appearance at one of their services. Comey’s Read more […]

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Church Growth

Lindsay Lohan finds Mean Girls 2 inspiration from Adventist Church cliques

By sevvy January 3, 2017  exclusive, Lost, us and them 4

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Lindsay Lohan says that she found the inspiration for the Mean Girls 2 movie that she wants to make from studying cliques at Adventist churches. Having heard that the Read more […]

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Church Growth, Trump

Number of Adventists in Canada triples after US election

By sevvy November 10, 2016  explosive, exponential, on fire 7

OSHAWA, Ontario — The headquarters of the Adventist Church in Canada is reporting tremendous growth this week. In a mere 48 hours, church officials said that the number of Adventists in the Read more […]

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Adventist Culture, Church Growth, Peculiar People

OBG – SLIDESHOW: What kind of Adventist are you?

By sevvy July 22, 2016  Adventist types 23

Advertise on BarelyAdventist SPONSORED LINKS Single, separated, divorced and widowed Adventists who want to change that status wanted. Follow @BarelyAdventist // . Read more […]

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Church Growth

General Conference bans church board meetings, claims they delay Second Coming

By sevvy June 12, 2016  church board meetings, hasten, Second Coming, wasting time 24

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has banned local church board meetings across the denomination after its own biblical researchers blamed Read more […]

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Church Growth

A third of Adventist pastors face termination for being too boring

By sevvy February 8, 2016  Boring Adventist pastors 25

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A leak from high-level personnel discussions at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists indicates that the denomination is on the verge of terminating the employment Read more […]

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Church Growth

Bald Adventist pastor wonders why bears aren’t devouring his critics

By sevvy November 19, 2015  bald pastors, bears, Elisha, satire 19

CRANKY CORNER, Mont. — Senior Pastor Fred Uhp of Mockingjay Lane Seventh-day Adventist Church has begun to openly complain to his staff about the lack of dangerous wildlife surrounding the church Read more […]

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Adventist Parents, Church Growth

Rival churches fight to recruit cute kids for lambs’ offering

By sevvy May 16, 2015  cute kids, Lambs offering, recruting 7

LOS ANGELES,Calif. — The Southern California Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has declared a state of emergency in the greater Los Angeles area as an all-out battle rages between Adventist Read more […]

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