Report: Adventist inbreeding results in genetic weakness for haystacks

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Researchers at Loma Linda University’s School of Public Health have detected a genetic weakness in multigenerational Adventists that renders them “defenseless against the Read more […]

Patriotic Adventists across America celebrate 4th of July with Mexican haystacks

U.S.A.—Seventh-day Adventists across the United States are celebrating Independence Day by digging into lavishly heaped haystacks (self-served Mexican taco salad.) As hearts swell with pride Read more […]

Haystacks revealed as reason Seventh-day Adventists live longer

BALTIMORE, Md. — A study into the secrets of longevity among Seventh-day Adventists has at last revealed the reason they often live 10 years longer than the average American. The secret appears Read more […]

Haystacks Oath of Allegiance added to Adventist baptismal vows

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Seventh-day Adventist baptismal vows have been updated to reflect what church leaders are calling “undeniable cultural realities.” In addition to the usual list of mostly Read more […]

Michelle Obama launches Friday Night Haystacks as White House tradition

WASHINGTON, D.C. — First Lady Michelle Obama launched the latest upgrade to her Let’s Move healthy lifestyle campaign this morning with an announcement of a new Friday Night Haystacks tradition Read more […]

Adventist Church reprimands Union College for slipping okra into haystacks

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church released a scathing rebuke of the denomination’s Nebraska-based Union College this morning. The criticism from the church’s General Read more […]

Adventist archaeologists trace haystacks back to Garden of Eden

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — A team of Seventh-day Adventist researchers from the church’s Geoscience Research Institute has discovered what they say is “conclusive evidence that Adam and Eve ate haystacks Read more […]

Adventist Church to buy struggling Chipotle chain, rename it Haystacks “R” Us

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first high-stakes acquisition of its kind, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has announced plans to buy Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc. The struggling chain of Mexican-style Read more […]

Supreme Court to hear Adventist vs. Mormon dispute over “haystacks origins”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A growing legal dispute between the Seventh-day Adventist and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is headed for the US Supreme Court. At the heart of the battle Read more […]