Why Are Adventists Afraid of God?
Perfect love drives out all fear but for some reason, a lot of us Adventists seem to actually be afraid of God. Not in the “fear God” sense where “fear” means “respect.” Nope, many Read more […]
Category: Legalism
Local Legalist Pretty Sure He Can Stop Sinning by Labor Day
Brother Jebediah “Jeb”ediah Finch, a pillar of the Tightly-Laced Tabernacle Seventh-day Adventist Church, is feeling optimistic. No, not about the price of avocados (although, that is rough). Jeb Read more […]
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Old Testament Literalist Pumped About Bringing Back Stoning
A self-professed Bible scholar and occasional Wilderness SDA usher known locally as “Rock-Hurling Randy” is convinced that society has gone astray from its righteous roots and is determined Read more […]
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Report: Non-Adventists Going to Heaven
BREAKING NEWS: Legalists across the Adventist world were rushed to hospital today after sustaining panic attacks at the unwelcome report from leading denominational theologians that non-Adventists Read more […]
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Last Generation Theologian Frustrated He’s Only 99% Perfect
BUTTONED UP, Tenn. — Last Generation theologian, Solo Opera, took a break from his prophetic timeline charts this afternoon, to take a 30-minute standardized holiness test. Opera was hugely Read more […]
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Spelling-Challenged Pastor Blames Typos On Devil
Alphabet Lane, Calif. – Over the last month Pastor Mel Eskribir has treated his frustrated flock to glaring typos in multiple emails, e-bulletins and sermon PowerPoints. Without fail, Eskribir Read more […]
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Portland Adventist Against Works-Based Theology / Work In General
PORTLAND, Ore. – Area Adventist Hans Ärlat has made it his life’s purpose to fight the legalists that dare disturb his comfortable status as infallible armchair theologian. Ärlat lectures Read more […]
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Off-Center Die Dot Infuriates Legalist
Berrien Springs, Mich. — Local legalist Judgy Jude hasn’t had a full night’s sleep or a Happy Sabbath since he saw this off-center dot die at his family’s New Year’s Eve party. The offensive Read more […]
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Literalist Men’s Retreat Ends With Everyone’s Eyes Plucked Out
The “Blind Faith” Men’s Retreat ended today with an entirely eye-less crowd of men trying to find their way out of an auditorium. Speakers at the retreat had advocated a stridently literal Read more […]
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Lifelong Adventist Accepts Christ
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Martha Dogood has spent the entirety of her life in Loma Linda and is the current world record holder for personally-earned Pathfinder honor patches (they fill up seven Read more […]
