Liberal Adventist Can’t Find Revelation
Loma Linda, Calif. — Liberal Adventist, Al Riverside, has spent the last fifteen minutes at his small group meeting hunting for the book of Revelation in his freshly dusted-off paraphrase of Read more […]
Category: Prophecy
White Estate: Spirit of Prophecy Does Not Contain World Cup Predictions
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a warning to amateur church historians, the White Estate has issued a statement saying that Ellen White’s writings contain absolutely no predictions about the winner Read more […]
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Adventist Review rates running shoes for End Times escape effectiveness
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The entire Adventist Review staff spent last weekend trying on running shoes for a new monthly rating system that ranks shoes for End Times escape effectiveness. The Read more […]
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False prophets predicting Oscar winners
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has sent out a special warning to its membership about false prophets that are predicting Oscar winners this year. “There Read more […]
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Smithsonian code breakers completely stumped by Adventist prophetic chart
WASHINGTON, D.C. — World-renowned cryptographers based at the Smithsonian Institution have admitted utter and complete defeat in deciphering an early Adventist prophetic chart. The code breakers Read more […]
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Mark of the Beast guide sold at ABC stores for $6.66
BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — A discounted guide to the Mark of the Beast has gone on sale at Adventist Book Centers for $6.66. Adventist customers have been warned to get their copy Read more […]
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Shady prophecy ministries schedule fundraisers to coincide with eclipse
ADVENTIST WORLD — Wild-eyed conspiracy theorists running backwoods independent prophecy ministries from cabin studios across North America are running competing fundraisers to cash in on today’s Read more […]
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Florida’s Adventists leave state over lack of End Times mountain hideouts
FLORIDA — Expressing extreme frustration with the flatness of their home state, Floridian Adventists are leaving en masse for what they call “End Times reasons.” They blame the lack of mountains Read more […]
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Trump bans distribution of ‘The Great Controversy’ books
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Adventist Church has been forced to halt one of its favorite witnessing activities after President Donald Trump banned distribution of copies of Ellen White’s The Great Read more […]
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Southern’s Daniel and Revelation scholars say Falcons Super Bowl win is prophesied
COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Biblical prophecy experts from Southern Adventist University released a formal statement saying the Atlanta Falcons are prophesied to win the 2017 Super Bowl. “For the Read more […]
