Sharpie Used On Prophetic Chart
WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the second time in a week, it appears that Oval Office Sharpies have been used to alter illustrations. This time, a far more cheerful, pink color was used. And instead Read more […]
Category: Prophecy
Contractor Transforms Basements Into Time Of Trouble Bunkers
Mole Hill, Tenn. — Stor Kallare, a licensed contractor with a specialty in “luxury, prophecy-savvy design” is currently over-booked transforming the basements of Adventists across the nation, Read more […]
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Boris Johnson Vows To Fulfill Daniel Prophecy As PM
LONDON, England — Boris Johnson, Britain’s new Prime Minister, has committed to wasting no time in hastening the fulfillment of Daniel’s Nebuchadnezzar Statue prophecy in regards to modern-day Read more […]
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iPhone Designer Jony Ive Leaves Apple To Fix Adventist Prophetic Charts
CUPERTINO, Calif. — Sir Jony Ive, the famed designer of the iMac, the iPod and the iPhone, is leaving Apple after decades of service to, in his own words, “make Adventist prophetic charts less Read more […]
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Uber Adds “Flee to Hills” Button for Time of Trouble
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Ridesharing platform Uber has added a “flee to the hills” button for Adventist customers aiming to escape the Time of Trouble. The firm’s leadership said that the button Read more […]
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Liberal Adventist Can’t Find Revelation
Loma Linda, Calif. — Liberal Adventist, Al Riverside, has spent the last fifteen minutes at his small group meeting hunting for the book of Revelation in his freshly dusted-off paraphrase of Read more […]
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White Estate: Spirit of Prophecy Does Not Contain World Cup Predictions
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a warning to amateur church historians, the White Estate has issued a statement saying that Ellen White’s writings contain absolutely no predictions about the winner Read more […]
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Adventist Review rates running shoes for End Times escape effectiveness
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The entire Adventist Review staff spent last weekend trying on running shoes for a new monthly rating system that ranks shoes for End Times escape effectiveness. The Read more […]
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False prophets predicting Oscar winners
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has sent out a special warning to its membership about false prophets that are predicting Oscar winners this year. “There Read more […]
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Smithsonian code breakers completely stumped by Adventist prophetic chart
WASHINGTON, D.C. — World-renowned cryptographers based at the Smithsonian Institution have admitted utter and complete defeat in deciphering an early Adventist prophetic chart. The code breakers Read more […]
