Trump Calls On America To “Give Big Franks A Try On The 4th Of July”

  WASHINGTON DC – US President Donald Trump used his much anticipated 4th of July address to call for unity and reform in how America eats on Independence Day. Speaking above the roar Read more […]

Biblical Research Institute: Unclear if Government Will Reopen Before Second Coming

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Biblical Research Institute announced this morning that three weeks of intense study had led the team to conclude that it was unclear what would come first: the reopening Read more […]

Trump promises to slash price of haystacks guac/salsa in half with US-Mexico trade deal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump hailed an “incredible” new trade deal with Mexico today and surprised Adventists, in particular, by saying that the deal would, “make Ben Carson’s people Read more […]

Military parade to feature sixty-cubit golden Trump image

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the Pentagon scrambles to follow President Donald Trump’s marching orders to plan a military parade, plans have been unveiled for a golden image of the president to lead Read more […]

Trumps infuriates GC by calling Andrews University the capital of Adventism

WASHINGTON, D.C. — General Conference leaders are up in arms after US President Donald Trump referred to Berrien Springs-based Andrews University as the “capital of Adventism” in a White House Read more […]

Trump converts to NEWSTART, becomes “YUGE fan of water”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent conversion to Adventist NEWSTART principles led to President Donald Trump’s now-infamous water sipping during a recent speech. Trump had relentlessly mocked Republican Read more […]

Trump bans distribution of ‘The Great Controversy’ books

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Adventist Church has been forced to halt one of its favorite witnessing activities after President Donald Trump banned distribution of copies of Ellen White’s The Great Read more […]