GC Session 2020 To Vote On Ordination Of Kanye

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference announced this morning that the ordination eligibility of rapper-turned-gospel-star, Kanye West, would be placed on the agenda for next summer’s GC Read more […]

Members Reprimand Leaders For Not Earning Annual Council Warnings

ADVENTIST WORLD — As division and union leaders around the world begin to report on Annual Council to their local church members, they are facing one uncomfortable question: “Where’s your I Read more […]

Delegate With No Instance Of Non-Compliance To Cast First Stone Of Annual Council Reprimand

SILVER SPRING, Md. — As Annual Council delegates ready themselves for the important duty of shaming conscientious objectors, leaders are reminded of heavenly policy stipulating that only a delegate Read more […]

GC: Natalie Portman Can Be Commissioned But Not Ordained As New Thor

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has weighed in on the Marvel Studios announcement that Natalie Portmam will play Thor in the upcoming franchise installment “Thor: Love and Thunder.” Read more […]

Pacific Union to Ordain Female Drummers

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — In a groundbreaking statement this morning, Pacific Union Conference leaders announced a decision to commence ordination of female worship band drummers in the region. The Read more […]

Chuck Norris hired to enforce compliance in Adventist Church

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has hired American martial artist and actor Chuck Norris, to enforce policy compliance within the denomination. Norris, Read more […]

Zach Galifianakis licenses “Between Two Ferns” to Adventist Independent Ministry

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Zach Galifianakis, the comedic actor and host of Comedy Central’s Between Two Ferns has licensed the concept of his brilliantly successful talk show to an Adventist Independent Read more […]