Coffee maker scandal rocks General Conference building

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — One of the biggest scandals in recent Adventist history erupted this morning when a coffee maker was discovered on the third floor of the General Conference building.

The Mr. Coffee machine was found in a break room behind a wall of tightly-stacked Wheat Thins boxes in the right hand corner of a small supply cabinet. Security was immediately notified and all frequent users of the break room were apprehended for questioning.

“No one has claimed formal responsibility for the coffee maker so far but a full investigation into the matter is under way,” said Head of Security, Chuck Branson. “We will leave no stone unturned.”

“The presence of this coffee maker explains the erratic behavior of some of the people working on this floor,” said Health Ministries Director, Glenn Crusoe, reflecting on the scandal. “Half of these people are hopped up on something.”

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Branson said that his security team was more than up to the task of bringing “any and every user” of the Mr. Coffee machine to justice. “The last GC scandal involved illegal betting on a fantasy capture the flag tournament — we got to the bottom of that in no time,” he said. “Sooner or later someone talks.”

Anyone with a Mr. Coffee Maker lead is urgently asked to leave the information in the comment section below.


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15 Comments

  1. There you go again, making jokes at the expense of ruining the reputation of dedicated office workers and security personnel. Did you ever consider how these satirical articles put the whole denomination in a bad light? It’s not so much the subject (coffee drinking) as it is the gratuitous portrayal of administrators as running a ruthless Mafia-style crackdown (“We will leave no stone unturned. . . sooner or later someone talks”). A sense of humor is one thing. Underhanded insinuations are another.

    • Marvin Humbert

      Marcus, you take the high road, when in reality Adventist administration with cheat, lie and steal, but say it is alright because they prayed about it. They will fire excellent employees and yet keep on those who have destroyed their churches because they are friends. Lighten up and get a little realism.

  2. Richard Mills

    6/13/14-The fact that you posted this event on Friday, the 13th makes me suspicious. Better yet, go get a Keurig, bring in your own little cups filled with instant beverages and you have nothing to fear except we lose our way to the coffee machine. Fill cups with Roma, Cafix, Postum, etc. and no one will notice the difference unless you use real cream & sugar!!

  3. I have a lead on the coffee maker. Through a reliable source, I discovered that it was owned by the new Director of Women’s Ordination (a secret position that will be made public at the 2015 General Conference Session in San Antonio, Texas). I am not allowed to reveal her name, as I was sworn to secrecy, but she is already in place and working diligently on the third floor of the General Conference building.

  4. David Simon

    Back in the 70’s…ancient history…my wife was teaching at Greater Nashville Junior Academy. One of her jobs was to monitor the kids lunches. By this I mean…inspect their sandwiches and remove any meat therein. REALLY! She refused…fortunately she had a principle who thought the policy from higher ups was crazy too.

  5. STRAIGHT TO THE POINT

    Way down under,at the South Pacific Division offices,every morning one would enter the building with the fresh aroma of coffee. Mr Tanebose,in this case,was the detective, Danjiella Shubert,the defendant. Danjiela,wife of Branimier Shubert,had a defence:The coffee machine has been in the office for MANY years. Proud Adventist leaders,working in the building,enjoyed their cuppa every day. Mr Tanebose,the detective argued that double standards were maintained. The detective had strong arguments but the whole of the South Acific Division leaders were against him,and so were those who heard about the debacle outside the South Acific Division officers-the friends of Danjiella Shubert and the other leaders. Mr Tanebose stood his ground,and Mr Coffee machine was turfed out of the South Acific Division office with much opposition. They never found the culprit who put the coffee machine in the office,neither did anyone confess for exactly HOW MANY YEARS MR Coffee Machine was living in th South Acific Division offices nor WHO HAD KNOWLEDGE OF ITS presence.

    As for mafia style, The South Pacific division CLEARLY mimicks the GC. In 2010, after being elected GC president, TED WILSON wrote 20 names on a piece of paper,plonked it on the table in the room where the nominating met and said:here are the names of the people I want. This action rubbished committees and the nominating rocess,as well as DEMOCRACY, which clearly does NOT seem to exist. Branimier Shubert grabbed onto this examle and stood on his soap box as he proudly related to his friends all over the world of how he followed exactly in Ted Wilson’s footsteps by removing the democratic rights of the nominating commite and putting the nam on the table. The result was that Pacific Adventist University was stuck with a Vice Chancellor WHO DID NOT FIT the PROFILE.

    More mafia tactics followed. While Barry Oliver, Division president and his sidekick, Rod Brady tried to sin yarns regarding $70 million which landed in Keith Johnson,a property tycoon’s pockets, an emloyee,who was merely accused of taking some funds,had ALL HIS ENTITLEMENTS,AFTER 20 YEARS service removed, while Barry Oliver and Rod Brady ARE STILL in charge of the South Pacific Division, their entitlements safe while MAJOR SUBSTANCE ABOUT THE $70 million IS WITHHELD.

    NOW, can someone PLEASE DEFINE HYPOCRACY AND MAFIAISM AND THE 10 COMMANDMENTS ?While you are at it,can you quote the abstinence of cofee from the rule book?

  6. B. Odermatt

    I am appalled. How can you denigrate the leaders who are only following God’s will and example. Last time I checked God was not a democracy. He gets downright ticked when people don’t do exactly as he demands. The GC leaders are committed men who follow God’s example explicitly. Democracy is for the weak – strong leaders don’t let anything or anyone stand in their way.

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