Doug Batchelor launches “Santa isn’t real” tour of Adventist kindergartens

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Adventist kindergarteners around the country have never been more enraged. The source of their anger appears to be famed Adventist evangelist Doug Batchelor who has launched a whirlwind Santa isn’t real tour of schools and churches this December.

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Batchelor has pledged to eradicate any belief in Santa Claus from the minds of young Adventist kids. He says that “the myth of Santa Claus, no matter how touching, warm or fuzzy, has no place in the imaginations of Adventist children.”

Since the launch of Batchelor’s Santa isn’t Real tour this week, there have been dozens of reports of children storming out of both of classrooms and Sabbath Schools, fingers firmly planted in their ears.

“Is this really necessary?” asked a frazzled, defeated-looking Adventist father of three, Halpp Meieh, one of countless parents reporting extremely difficult conversations with their children since the start of Batchelor’s tour. “What’s next? Pastor Doug holding a book burning of Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories next Christmas?”

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15 Comments

  1. Ray Kraft

    I saw mama kissing Santa Claus. Of course he’s real. Just ’cause Pastor Doug doesn’t believe in Santa doesn’t mean he isn’t real. Hasn’t he ever seen The Polar Express?

    • STU REDMAN

      DOUG, LIKE ALL THE REST ARE ONLY DOING THEIR “INSPIRED WORK”. FOR A PRICE THAT IS.
      I WONDER HOW MANY PASTORS WOULD REMAIN “IN THE CALLING” IF THE SALARIES WERE REMOVED AND THEY WERE TO FOLLOW BY ST PAUL’S EXAMPLE?

      CUBS 2016!!!!

  2. Kaleb

    Raised our first grandchild and I taught her about Santa…not that ‘he brought gifts’ and told her because I wanted her to know that I’d always tell her the truth. Still, IMO, it is the job of the parents…just like telling about Jesus and the Father….

  3. Richard Mills

    “Twas a few nights before Christmas and all through Amazing Facts,
    The employees were stirring about filling up anti-Santa literature pacts.
    Dougie was at a local church when he started to yell;
    “If you believe in Santa, you’ll end up in _________.”
    Off he went to LA, Loma Linda & Takoma Park
    At the GC he tried the door , but inside was dark.
    Went over to Sligo with much anticipation,
    Told the story of Santa with no hesitation.
    Travelling down to Little Debbie’s & Collegdale
    Spoke about Santa, but to no avail.
    I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight;
    “Better attend my meetings. They start tomorrow night!!”
    Many, many, many apologies to Clement Moore

  4. Glenda Mock

    I’m 71 years old, brought up SDA and I still believe in Santa…by that I mean I believe in doing good for others. I brought my kids up believing in Santa…there was no trauma when they learned the truth….The spirit of Christmas can be in our hearts always and Doug should leave certain things to the parents.

  5. Elisha's Bears

    The nude hippy is really dyslexic. He is sick and tired of the straight – jacket of fundamentalism and was really doing a “Satan Isn’t Real” tour. He is against all the child abuse of fear and terror that has damaged the minds and emotions of kids through the pervasive use of making out Satan is real. For the first time he might be doing something of use, if only he could get his spelling correct.

    The myth of Santa is harmless. The myth of Satan is criminal. Those who terrorise people with it ought to be jailed.

  6. time&motion

    Visit SantaTruth.com to learn the AMAZING FACTS about this end-times deception!

    (Oddly enough that site really exists and attempts to argue that the Santa Claus story originated from people taking hallucinogenic mushrooms lol)

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