GC Adventists refuse to leave, crown San Antonio “Adventist Salt Lake”

Adventists are strolling around San Antonio with purpose and a growing sense of ownership
Adventists are strolling around San Antonio with purpose and a growing sense of ownership
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Halfway through the day after the closing ceremonies of the General Conference Session, tens of thousands of Adventists have announced their intent to stay in San Antonio.

Although today was officially reserved for GC event staff to disassemble convention staging and displays, an impromptu meeting was held in the Alamodome in which GC delegates voted by a margin that eclipsed even last week’s resounding anti-women’s ordination vote, to “make San Antonio the Adventist Salt Lake City.”

All kidding aside, click to learn more about Union College

Bhad Khopee, a spokesperson for the stubbornly encamped Adventists, said that based on the delegates’ vote and common sentiment shared by tens of thousands of Adventists from around the world that have yet to leave town, General Conference leaders have decided to move their offices to San Antonio.

This, said Khopee, will be the “first step toward establishing an Adventist capital city.” He added that he is confident that Adventist businesses will soon follow suit and praised an enterprising ADRA snack stand team that has already set up shop to serve the city’s determined new population.

You know your town has arrived when an ADRA MARKETPLACE stand sets up shop…
“It’s not cool that the Mormons get Salt Lake City and the best we’ve managed so far is laying partial claim to podunk Adventist college towns that no one has ever heard about,” said Khopee, to a group of bewildered reporters. “Saying we run Berrien Springs and parts of College Place impresses absolutely no one.”

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  1. I like the spokesperson’s name, “Bhad Khopee.” Yup, San Antonio is a rather “bad copy” of Salt Lake City.

    For the unwary, please note the disclaimer on this site’s “About” page: “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”

    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

  2. Richard Mills

    You poor deluded souls. Don’t you know that Takoma Park is the Adventist mecca? It was blessed by Ms. EGW way back after Battle Creek burned to the ground. Adventist history was made here. Even though the GC is in Silver Spring, Takoma Park is in rock throwing distance. Lots of memories from TP. Flower Ave. Carroll Ave. Piney Branch. E/W highway. Hot Shoppes. Gifford’s Ice Cream. Savage’s Market. Sligo Creek. Washington San. R&H cafeteria food. GC people-tell them no gooders you ain’t gonna move from Silver Spring/Takoma Park. If you move, I’ll drop my membership. Woe is me!!

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