SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The General Conference has established a bare minimum of one pre-wedding vespers date as a prerequisite for Adventist couples wishing to be married by an Adventist minister. In an effort to "quality test candidates for marriage" both parties will need to produce documentation proving that they attended the vespers date as a couple, properly vouched for by, at the very least, a low-level elder.
"Something as basic as a correctly-dated social media posting containing a picture of the two of you, chatting in a church lobby or singing from the same hymn book will do the trick," said GC Director of Needless Regulation, Tugh Mutch. "But don't send me selfies that were obviously taken during a service. They will be rejected as you should have been paying attention to the speaker."
Mutch explained that the new vespers date requirement had been added so as to minimize the chance of unequal yoking. "There is something about sitting in pews, elbows lightly touching while someone in obvious need of further piano instruction struggles through "Don't Forget the Sabbath", that functions as Adventist romance steroids. It is absolutely essential."
In response to questions about whether alternative activities could fulfill the vespers date requirement, Mutch was dismissive: "No. Banquet dates, whether they were held at an academy, college or your local church fellowship hall simply won't cut it. Neither will meandering nature walks or romantic vegetarian canned food collection."
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