GC bans kissing in Adventist wedding ceremonies

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventists can kiss kissing at weddings goodbye.

As part of a General Conference campaign to enforce modesty standards across the world church, the world headquarters has imposed a blanket ban on wedding kisses.

“I don’t care what culture you are from, kissing is something you can do on your own time behind closed doors,” said General Conference Modesty Standards Director, Daniel Beso. “We can’t afford to have different rules for different parts of the world on something as basic as a wedding kiss.”

Part of Beso’s reasoning in regards to the kissing ban is what he calls the ‘slippery slope’: “Technically, a quick peck is probably fine but it rarely stops there. Kids getting married these days subject their wedding guests to the most ridiculous smoochfests… it’s just too much,” said Beso.

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The official has been doing his best to lead by example over the last couple years by angrily shouting “Get a room!” at happy couples in weddings attempting their first kiss as newlyweds.

The Modesty Standards Director says that he encourages Adventists to think of modest alternatives to kissing in wedding ceremonies. “We as a people have always been good at finding Adventist alternatives to cool activities,” said Beso. “Why not try a warm handshake after our minsters pronounce couples husband and wife? Or even a tasteful high-five?”

Although he has faced stiff pushback from Adventists, Beso says that he shall not be moved. “If you want kissing for your wedding, you can save that for your wedding night.”


12 Comments

  1. What will it be next? A ban on wedding bands? Oh, I forgot; those were already banned, and then un-banned. Meanwhile, the women in the Old Testament wore nose rings and bracelets as signs of betrothal, and the women in the New Testament wore a string of 10 silver coins as jewels on their forehead as a “wedding ring” of sorts. See GodLovesJewelry.com .

  2. Richard Mills

    I am all for the “kissing” ban at SDA weddings.Only the bride’s father can kiss the girl goodbye. The bride’s mother can kiss the groom !! The groom’s parents can “blow” a kiss from their side of the pew. What’s next?? Can this be on the 2015 GC session agenda for debate? Woe is me!!

  3. Dr. Candy

    You never know. Kissing, as we are taught in our culture, always inevitably leads to sex, which is also, according to our culture, an unhealthy activity that shouldn’t be taken part in until one is around 37 years of age (ironically, that is about when getting married is ok.) And that might not be the end of it, kissing leads to sex, sex leads to *le gasp* DANCING! which could lead to such satanic practices as playing drums or drinking caffeine or eating meat?

    (I am being sarcastic, just fyi. this article is hilarious)

  4. NEWSFLASH – Update: After a massive demonstration by furious engaged couples and their hired wedding photographers, in a protest known as “Occupy Silver Spring,” the Modesty Standards Director has reluctantly rescinded the anti-kissing policy. However, he replaced it with similar policy allowing couples’ mouths to reach no more than 1 inch in proximity during the “kiss.” Pastors will be supplied with Modesty Standards rulers to measure the distance and enforce the rule. (And audience members will be warned to closed their eyes.) The only exception is for couples willing to wear paramedics’ resuscitation barrier mouthpieces during the kiss. A local ambulance company, owned by a newly engaged Adventist, has donated a generous supply. After announcing the new rule, Mr. Beso quipped, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em – but only from a distance.”

  5. joe Graffi

    Realizing this is satire, I think we look too much to not only the GC but also to local ‘icons’ or ministries to dictate out behavior. The children of Israel did NOT want to hear from God. They said, “Don’t let God speak to us. Moses, you go hear what God says and come back and tell us what to do.”
    As long as we look to men and/or man’s institutions, we will continue to go down the path that Israel went down in the wilderness. It took 40 years and all but 2 dying off to reach Jordan. We’ve been at it nearly 4 times that! We need to get honest to God. James says, “If you lack knowledge, GO TO GOD”! We need to study the Word for ourselves, guided by the Holy Spirit and get on our knees and “Work out our own salvation with (Godly) fear and trembling.
    No one can do it for you!
    God says; “Return to me and I will return to you.”

    • Dave

      I completely agree. By using the biblical examples, I now have several wives, all of which dance when I arrive home, with jewelry on and little else. I don’t even include my concubines in this. They have their own ceremony.

      And following in the specific words of God to Noah, all flesh is given to you to eat.

      There are so many other specific commands in the Bible that make my worship very liberating.

      Now if I could just figure out how to implement that, “give everything back in the 7th year” stuff, and not be broke….

  6. D. Hunt

    I solved this problem years ago. I started with simple use of wax paper between the lips for protection. When Saran Wrap came out, it was perfect as it fit nicely over my lips. It also felt better and didn’t buzz when we kissed. I lovingly referred to it as my lip condom.

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