Silver Spring, Md. --- A bulk order of discount blackout drapes was installed in every window of the General Conference offices today.
The drapes were fitted carefully to prevent world leaders of the church from receiving any more light on critical issues ranging from ordination to the appropriateness of clapping in worship.
"Progressive revelation has progressed far enough," said Director of Calcification, Blinch Errd.
"What we need at this point is not more light but more compliance from the provinces on policy matters."
Errd added that if God had any more truth to share with His church, He would have to submit it in writing for consideration at Annual Council.