SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church celebrated the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation by putting unprecedented effort into silencing voices of dissent within the church.
"Never in history has it been more important for believers to recognize the authority that radiates from these hallowed halls," said GC Compliance spokesperson Vatty Cahn.
"We've made far too much progress since our humble beginnings as a church to allow gender equality, freedom of conscience or the promptings of the Spirit to slow us down."
Cahn said that GC security had been posted at the main entrance of the GC building "in case some crazy ordination reformer tries nailing theses to our front door."
He added that anyone attempting to burn drafts of the recently-circulated 14-page compliance document in the GC parking lot may as well book a room in Wartburg Castle.