SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In a bid to ensure unity within the Church worldwide, the General Conference has declared Adventist Martial Law.
"As of this moment all of Adventism will resemble the campus of Southern Adventist University," said Unity Enhancement spokesperson, Marcos Nuevo.
"Until we have utter and complete unity around what gets decided in this building, every Adventist will need to abide by an 11 PM curfew," said Nuevo. He promised to send GC-sponsored RA-equivalents to make sure members were in their homes on time.
Nuevo said that under denominational martial law, Adventists will be required to abide by an ultra-strict dress code. Men will have to wear collared shirts or suits to all worship experiences and women should dress like they are on 3ABN.
Church meeting attendance will be tracked via a worship credit system. No credit will be given to members of churches led by ordained female pastors.
Dissenting voices within Adventism will be written up and punished with "indefinite amounts of manual labor at some far flung summer camp," said Nuevo.
Oversight of Adventist martial law compliance will be paid for by fines applied to members who are late to church or found to be out of compliance with voted policy.