SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Seventh-day Adventists around the world have been advised by General Conference leaders that the popular disco anthem "I Will Survive" contradicts church teachings regarding the state of the dead.
"Not to be a party pooper but we do not survive; we decompose," said GC Director of Doomsday Scenarios, Joe Longface. "This heretical song should not be played at Adventist social functions or appear on the playlists of individual Adventists."
Longface said that Adventists should not succumb to the temptation to just play songs that they like based on their melody or popularity in society. He added that no matter how tough a breakup may have been, there were better ways to move on from crushed romance: "Try a box of carob."