SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In the biggest reversal in church policy since, well, EVER, the GC is now requiring married Adventists to wear wedding bands.
"Although we won't be opening jewellery sections in any ABC stores just yet, we ask baptised married couples to wear wedding rings to make clear that they are off the market," said part of the new directive. "Single Adventists are having hard enough a time scoping out eligible dates as it is. Ringless marriages are super confusing."
The statement added that while wedding bands need not be expensive, members were advised to "steer clear of the vending machine variety as they can leave a permanent, green tattoo on your finger which will never be OK."