GC San Antonio to feature vegetarian-only preferred seating

Reading this at KFC?  You're destined for the bleeders...
Reading this at KFC? You’re destined for the nosebleed section…
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Event organizers have announced that this summer’ s General Conference Session will feature preferred seating for vegetarians.

Floor seating close to the stage in the San Antonio Alamodome will be reserved exclusively for Adventists with a demonstrated history of what seating regulators call “a bare minimum of lacto-ovo vegetarianism.”

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“We have tried a thousand different ways to convince Adventists to be vegetarians, but with more than half of our members our words fall on deaf ears,” said GC Health and Temperance spokesperson Casi Sana.  “Finally these carnivores are getting their comeuppance.”

Sana stressed that Adventists “claiming to be vegetarian except for when there is chicken available” are delusional and should not expect to find premium seating.  “Don’t come to me saying Jesus ate meat either,” said Sana. “Everyone knows those were veggie fish.”

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Sana announced that confirmed meat eaters will “automatically be relegated to nosebleed seats along with anyone, regardless of their dietary tendencies, that supports women’s ordination.”


  1. Richard Mills

    I want my seat made only with non GMO materials, range free, cage free, all natural fibers, non-animal, whole wheat, tofu & sprouted chia seeds. Hey, how about selling chia plants with GC faces? I’ll take a Ted Wilson & a Mark Finley. See ya in S.A., come July.
    You meat eaters will need a telescope or high powered binoculars to see anything!!
    Woe is me!!

  2. Ray Kraft

    “Everybody knows those were veggie fish!”

    Loma Linda, or Worthington?

    And everybody knows you can read Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John, and find not a word about vegetarianism. Or the ordination of women.

    • Gold E. Lockes

      Ray, I hope you are not one of those people who believe everything is evil if not specifically mentioned in the Bible. I am weary of hearing that women’s ordination is wrong because it’s not expressly mentioned in the gospels. Neither is men’s ordination. Neither is deodorant or toothpaste. Neither is the Internet, so you better throw away your computer and iPhone. . . .

  3. PLEASE people –this story is a parody. No preaching. If you want to hear a sermon on the judgment go to church. If you want a good belly laugh, read this website daily. It’s better than hypertension meds. Btw–sevvy keeps the Sabbath most of the time. Rarely do we get a new story between sunset on Friday and sunset on Saturday. No satire on Sabbaths

  4. Shouldn’t the carnivores have the closer seats? The vegetarians may have better eyesight because they consume more carrots. :)

    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report,’ including any comments thereupon, are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

  5. Jerry Nickell

    FINALLY! You’ve hit upon a way we can divide up the seatting in not only the General Conference Session but also in our local churches! I can see it now…. Little nameplates on the aisles (preferably in the colors of Loma Linda labels) indicating each member’s spiritual growth according to their eating preferences, with the most holy sitting in the front where the light of the discernment can shine directly on them (creating a kind of halo effect, as I visualize it). Those who still struggle with their dietary choices can be relegated to the back with the out-of-town visitors (unless their credentials can clearly confirm their commitment to veganism) and the non-SDA group (should they happen to attend). I truly believe this can transform our church!

    Now if we could only get someone to attend church….

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