SAN ANTONIO, Texas --- Event organizers have announced that this summer' s General Conference Session will feature preferred seating for vegetarians.
Floor seating close to the stage in the San Antonio Alamodome will be reserved exclusively for Adventists with a demonstrated history of what seating regulators call "a bare minimum of lacto-ovo vegetarianism."
"We have tried a thousand different ways to convince Adventists to be vegetarians, but with more than half of our members our words fall on deaf ears," said GC Health and Temperance spokesperson Casi Sana. "Finally these carnivores are getting their comeuppance."
Sana stressed that Adventists "claiming to be vegetarian except for when there is chicken available" are delusional and should not expect to find premium seating. "Don't come to me saying Jesus ate meat either," said Sana. "Everyone knows those were veggie fish."
Sana announced that confirmed meat eaters will "automatically be relegated to nosebleed seats along with anyone, regardless of their dietary tendencies, that supports women's ordination."