GC: World may end in 2020 if Kanye wins presidency

Kanye at the VMAs…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In rare commentary on political matters, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued an emergency statement saying that “the world may end in 2020 if Kanye West follows through on his decision to run for US President and wins.”

The statement referred to last night’s headline-grabbing announcement by the American rapper, songwriter, record producer and fashion designer as he accepted a lifetime achievement award at the MTV Video Music Awards. After a lengthy acceptance speech, Kanye ended with, “And, yes, as you probably could have guessed in this moment, I have decided in 2020 to run for president.”

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The General Conference reaction was swift: “We’ve learned our lesson as far as predicting days or hours of the world’s ending but if Mr. West wins the 2020 presidential election, we are confident that the world would end before he was sworn in,” said Director of Ill-Advised Speculation, Duhms Day, at a hastily assembled press conference.

“While my son assures me that Mr. West has ‘mad beats,’ it is the position of the General Conference senior leadership that Mr. West’s election would be the most catastrophic thing yet to hit America,” said Day. “We’d even take Ben Carson over Mr. West.”


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  1. I like the name of the GC Director of Ill-Advised Speculation, Mr. “Duhms Day” (doomsday). But if Mr. West is so bad, why didn’t this General Conference leader instruct his son to listen to avoid him and start listening to the Heritage Singers?

    Based on the anti-MTV sentiment expressed in your previous report about Jaime Jorge, I’m curious why the General Conference was watching such a worldly awards show. Oh, I get it now: they tuned in solely to hear Mr. Jorge play “Amazing Grace” on the violin — and I must say, his performance was outstanding!

    “We’d even take Ben Carson over Mr. West.” A classic line, Sevvy! But I doubt that Dr. Carson will run again in 2020. He will have bigger fish to fry–like giving lucrative speeches and selling books. In recent years, “Carson earned more than $4 million in speaking fees and $6 million in book royalties.” That’s nothing to sneeze at.

  2. oldschool

    If Mr. West should run and win the election for U.S. President, we will have a First Lady that has her own sex film. Can you imagine the controversy? Possibly worse than Bill Clinton’s troubles. At least his sex acts weren’t filmed (that we know of). Could really be troublesome.

    • Willy

      At least Kanye would be telling the truth if he points his finger into the camera and swears, “I did not have relations with that woman!” (“It wasn’t me, it was Ray J.”)

    • oldschool

      To clarify my comment above, I haven’t personally seen the above mentioned sex video. I am only passing on what I’ve read. I’ll leave it a variety of congressional committees to review the real evidence.

  3. Barlock O'Bama

    Give me a break. Kanye isn’t all that bad. After all, he is related to Kylie Jenner–the new superstar celebrity student at La Sierra! Anyone related to her is OK. (But I won’t be voting for him in 2020. Even Ben Carson would be a better president than Mr. West.)

  4. Ray Kraft

    I remember well, when JFK was elected, the pastor at Loma Linda, I think it was John Enright, solemnly predicted that this was a sure sign of The End Times, and Jesus would surely come while JFK was president. So far the General Conference predictions for the Last Day have been batting zero. But, you never know. If you just make enough predictions, some day one of them might happen!

    • Jake Frost

      Reminds me of the old joke about the drunk hunter who shot down the lone duck on the first try–after all the sober marksmen had missed. When asked how he did it, he staggered and slurred, “When there are so many of them up there, you can’t help but hit one of them!”

  5. We’re all in this together. Nothing truly happens unless a life is changed. No one has all the answers, but we can bring together the people who can find them. Results you can measure are the only results that matter. Empowerment is liberating and life-changing. There is always a way to be faster, leaner, and better. The greatest good is helping people live their best life story.

  6. The news media is portraying Mr. West in a negative light because, for example, he admitted that he had smoked pot to calm himself down before making the award acceptance speech. Some say this disqualifies him from running for President. However, several U.S. Presidents have admitted to the same thing. Bill Clinton said he smoked pot but “did not inhale.” Barack Obama said “I did inhale!” Even George W. Bush strongly hinted that he smoked pot and got stoned (but he didn’t “want some little kid doing what I tried”). So Mr. West would be a perfect presidential candidate, following in the long line of the wonderful example set by America’s finest.

    • Kanye North

      The different is, those presidents were all PAST users. None of them got high in the White House. Mr. West is a current, active user. I do not want a pothead stoner in the White House. The GC is right–that would be doomsday for our country. Imagine a sky-high toking rapper making critical security decisions involving nuclear weapons. No thanks. I’ll take Ben Carson. At least we can be sure he’s sober. He may say something embarrassing, but it won’t be with slurred speech and glassy eyes.

      • Ned Neiley

        You’re forgetting another president who is guaranteed to be sober: Ted Wilson. Even if he runs the infallible “GC Papacy,” it’s good to know that he doesn’t smoke anything and he won’t drink anything stronger than 7-Up. I wish all Presidents were like him.

  7. Lisa Mona

    This story is cool, but here is some bigger news: Elvis is alive. The King of Rock & Roll is 80 years old now, but he is alive and well. His “death” in 1977 was a hoax. He is actually in hiding at a branch campus of Loma Linda on a UFO.

  8. To any unwary readers: the “About” page explains that this site is for satire and humor, similar to The Onion. “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

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