General Conference declares monopoly on truth

It's official.
It’s official.
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to “clear a few things up and establish unity once and for all”, the General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has declared an absolute monopoly on truth.

A statement from the GC acknowledged that though rebel unions and other misguided entities may express opinions on issues, a vast majority of hand-picked delegates from all over the Adventist world had agreed that the GC had the last say on God’s opinion.

“Whether we are talking about the ordination of women, authority of leadership or permissible skirt lengths, we are excited to announce that Adventists around the world can now safely turn off their minds and consciences and simply agree to everything we say,” said the GC statement.

All kidding aside, click to learn more about Union College

The statement also said that dictatorships around the world have proven that you can get “a lot more mission done if you have less discussion and more obedience going on.”

Three words wrapped up the statement: “You are welcome.”


Advertise on BarelyAdventist

SPONSORED LINKS

You’ve had your fix of satire. Now head over to Adventist Today for current events updates, analysis and opinion on all things Adventist.

Check out the Sonscreen Film Festival!

Share your Adventist faith & lifestyle through cool awesome t-shirts | SDAshirts.com

.

2 Comments

  1. THE BLINKERED FOLLOWER
    INFLEXIBILITY SUPREME.
    THIS STATEMENT IS THE BOTTOM LINE OBSERVATION APPLICABLE TO MOST SDAs. During my 26 years as a pastor I frequently heard a member
    say, “Pastor why do you not just teach {means repeat} our unique doctrines.
    They are the truth in themselves. This cultist mindset delights in what has been properly described as a maintenance rehearsal. Overall its what SDAs
    mean by studying the Bible.

    • Lester Jorgensen

      Prime example: the “unique doctrine” against jewelry. Unfortunately, it’s not even biblical. I never had any idea what the Bible actually says on that subject because I grew up hearing only what EGW said, which failed to consider 99% of the actual Bible verses on this subject. http://www.GodLikesJewelry.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *