General Conference pays for Alamodome Starbucks employees’ vacation

Starbucks employees are loving their paid vacations...
Starbucks employees are loving their paid vacations…
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Employees of the Alamodome Starbucks stores are ecstatic over an agreement made with the Seventh-day Adventist Church. During the General Conference World Session, the Alamodome Starbucks employees are on paid vacation.

Worried that Adventist session goers would find the coffee chain “too great a temptation,” the General Conference agreed to pay Starbucks to remain closed. General Conference PR and Marketing spokesperson, Thaddeus Fayke, stated “There’s no better way we could be using the funds. We want to provide a temptation-free environment for guests and delegates to be real with each other and focus on what’s most important to us as Christians — the issue of women’s ordination,” he said. “We just don’t want Adventists spending money on Starbucks. Maybe it’s superficial, but that’s way better than being hypocritical!”

The Starbucks franchise will receive a sum equivalent to what they would normally make during the 10 day period, and, in addition to paid vacation time, each employee will receive a special promotional copy of Steps to Christ. Bret Lopez, one of the baristas at the Alamodome Starbucks said, “I can’t believe I actually got to go to weekend parties over the 4th! Whoever these Adventists are they’re awesome for paying me to drink instead of work!”

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Several local BBQ restaurants submitted offers to shut their doors during the GC Session in hopes of also receiving sizable compensation, but despite special offerings taken up across the country, sufficient funds could not be raised.

Ida Eatonmore, a Pathfinders leader, was hopeful for a more widespread buyout, “We actually canceled a world hunger relief fundraiser so we could focus on closing coffee shops and restaurants around San Antonio, but it looks like other causes are just too popular.”

Others pointed out that the funds could have been used instead to provide free meals for session goers, “I mean, we’re talking lots of money; lots of Fritos®, refried beans, and Vegetarian Burger! Ya know what I mean?” said Alfred Prahkticel, a world session delegate. Others made more democratic arguments, “You have to give these people some freedom of choice. How else is their faith going to get tested? When you’re faced with some of the best BBQ, and a convenient liquid stimulant for all these late-night lobbying sessions, you have to be strong to say no!” said a GC representative who wishes to remain anonymous.

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  1. Richard Mills

    What budget is this coming from? Tithe? Employee Retirement? SS Missions? In- gathering? Educational subsidies? 10/40 Mission funds? Inquireing minds need to know. Just today, Starbucks announced it was increasing its prices on cups of coffee. Maybe that’s the reason for the closing! Woe is me!!

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    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

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