Haystacks fans horrified as GC delegates name Special K Loaf “only Adventist staple”

Special K Loaf
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Panicked shrieks and an as-of-yet unconfirmed tally of fall injuries greeted a vote by stone-cold General Conference Session delegates to crown Special K Loaf as the “only true Adventist staple.” Fans of the popular taco salad dish known as “haystacks” to Adventists were unable to contain their devastation, many making no attempt to hide the tears streaming down their faces as delegates from around the world held up yellow cards in support of Special K Loaf as the only potluck item to be sanctioned as the world church’s signature dish.

Delegates shocked the Adventist world by overlooking haystacks as the Adventist staple food...
Delegates shocked the Adventist world by overlooking haystacks as the Adventist staple food…
“The whole reason I flew my whole family over to San Antonio was to be here for this vote,” said a distraught Chip Scalsaugh from Berrien Springs, Mich. “I thought for sure the delegates would have the presence of mind to realize that haystacks are the only right choice to define Adventist dining.” Scalsaugh said that he now sorely regrets dropping $10,000 on tickets, hotel and dining for his family of four to attend the GC Session.

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Church leaders have urged members to “see the big picture” and resist the temptation to over-react to today’s controversial vote. “Contrary to the belief of a few hotheads around here, this is not the time to form a splinter Seventh-day Haystack denomination,” said North American Division spokesperson, Cummon Pepples. “We are a global church and some votes are simply not going to go your way. This is San Antonio: Cowboy up and deal with it.”


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  1. Nancy Scalia

    Does this Special-K Loaf have cottage cheese? If so, you better replace it with tofu! Better yet, scrap the whole dish and serve steamed Brussels sprouts and raw cauliflower.

  2. ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍The concern about a split over food reminds me of a concern about the potential of a split over women’s ordination. That is because they don’t understand what will actually be voted. Many delegates are arguing about whether women should be ministers, but that argument is pointless because the vote is not going to decide that issue.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Women pastors were already fully authorized by the General Conference (as “commissioned” ministers) in 1990. They already perform the same functions and have the same leadership role in the local church as ordained ministers. They will continue to do so, regardless of the vote.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Women pastors already go through the same kind of consecration ceremony with a laying on of hands. The only difference is the word (“commissioned” instead of “ordained”) that is printed on their certificate after the ceremony.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍There is no point in debating whether women should be ministers, because that is not what the GC will vote on. The issue now is whether the individual world divisions can choose to call these female pastors “ordained” instead of “commissioned.” It is a matter of semantics.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍There is no logical (or theological) reason to continue to discriminate between these two terms. The writings of Ellen White use the terms “commissioned” and “ordained” interchangeably. They mean the same thing. There is no reason not to use the word “ordained. Ellen White made it clear that ministers receive “their commission from God Himself, and the ceremony of the laying on of hands [“ordination”] added no new grace or virtual qualification.” The ordination ceremony and certificate are simply a human recognition of God’s calling. (AA p. 161).
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍The General Conference Biblical Research Institute concluded 39 years ago: “If God has called a woman, and her ministry is fruitful, why should the church withhold its standard act of recognition?” (In other words, why call her “commissioned” instead of “ordained”?)
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍This viewpoint puts the issue in perspective, in the context of what will actually be voted on. When viewed this way, it becomes clear that it is not really a theological issue. It is a question of semantics and church operations, and there is no logical reason to continue discriminating between the term “commissioned” and the term “ordained,” as Dr. George Knight explained so clearly on June 20.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍William G. Johnnson (retired Adventist Review editor) put it this way: “If God has [already] given His stamp of approval to women in ministry [as seen in the General Conference policy of 1990], who are we to withhold official recognition [by ordination]?”

    • Ray Kraft

      Amazing. I guess I wasn’t paying attention. The church has spent the last 39 years quibbling over the difference between “commissioned” and “ordained?”

      Doesn’t it have anything better to do?

      • ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Yes, for at least 25 years, when “commissioning” was approved in 1990. But the SDA Church has had “licensed” women pastors since at least 1872. There were many more women pastors in Ellen White’s day, proportionately, than now.
        ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Now there are over 3,200 women pastors, including more than 140 in North America. We will continue to have women pastors regardless of the vote on July 8. “Commissioned” women pastors already fulfill the same role and functions in the local churches, as their “ordained” male counterparts. (They both preach; give Bible studies; baptize; perform weddings, baby dedications, and funerals; officiate at communion; lead board meetings, etc.)
        ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Thus, as to the local church pastors, the vote on July 8 is just a matter of semantics (although it could have significance for state-wide leadership positions because current policy requires that conference presidents be “ordained” ministers).
        ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Ordination of women has been discussed in the Adventist Church since at least 1881. Back when the distinction used to be between “licensed” vs. “ordained” pastors, “Adventist scholars, in 1975, found no theological obstacles to ordaining women to gospel ministry.” (Adventist Review, March 7, 1985)
        ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍The vote tomorrow on July 8 would easily pass if the delegates all understood these facts.

  3. Richard Mills

    This Special-K loaf is a woman thing. My wife makes the best Special-K loaf around these here parts. I challenge anyone to make a better one. Yeah, there is cottage cheese in it. There are a number of healthy spices involved. 2%% milk is used. Sometimes Carnation evaporated milk. A spoonful of sugar. Etc. If Special -K is not in the store, she will use only Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. But, it sure is GREEAT. Put some of that southern fried veggie chicken gravy on it and it just melts in your mouth!! For me, haystacks is # 2 on the SDA food list. Third, is a fistful of Little Debbies. Woe is me!!

  4. I am using my PUC education to its fullest extent, but I cannot pick my way through Special K Loaf accolades to find any issues on WO. Can’ t we just enjoy the satire at its face value? If the Special K Loaf story is an allegory for WO, it is akin to finding a picture of the Virgin Mary in a PB & J.

  5. Ernie

    I agree with this vote! While haystacks seem to be uniquely SDA, it’s really because we call it by that name–there are many similar dishes that are like haystacks but they aren’t called that.

    But when it comes to Special K loaf, now THAT is purely an SDA thing and there is no other non-SDA replica like it!!! So the vote was right-on.

    I remember making Special K loaf in Japan as a SM (’85) because I could remember the recipe and could get all the ingredients there easily. And when I cooked it in the kitchen, the female Japanese students were amazed that a guy could cook for them! So I have very fond memories of making that during my SM stint there.

    And yes, being a lifestyle wellness specialist, I’ve made a totally vegan version of it using a vegan cottage cheese recipe using tofu in Karen Houghton’s cookbook. I use rice milk (daughter allergic to almonds and we don’t care for soy milk) instead of regular milk, and I used this egg replacer made out of potato starch. The rest are vegan ingredients, though I would have to double-check the low fat dice chik vegi meat. 😉 Once cooked, it was cleaned up just like the regular recipe at the last potluck I made it at.

    Hail the Special K loaf!!!

  6. Susan Stormont

    Would someone please list the approved ingredients for haystacks, and the proper assembly method?
    I’m curious, because I think I’ve seen them at Taco Bell.

  7. Please note the disclaimer on this site’s “About” page: “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”

    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

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