SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The latest in a long string of wannabe prophets has been discredited by what church leaders are calling The Big Bible Test. Nathaniel Wakely of Battle Creek, Mich. was subjected to the test today and, according to the presiding judge, "failed quickly and miserably."
The Big Bible Test consists of requesting self-professed prophets to hold the 18 1/2 lb family Bible that Ellen Harmon (later White) held up with outstretched arm for 20 - 30 minutes while in vision as a 17-year-old.
Upon arrival at the testing offices in the basement of the General Conference building, Wakely lasted a mere 25 seconds or less, despite being given the customary three attempts at the feat over the course of an hour. Officials say that no amount of protein bar consumption in between tries aided the candidate's performance.
"We are not denying the possibility that God might raise up prophets in modern times, but Wakely clearly isn't one of them," said GC Prophet Testing Consultant, James Neeley. "We are blessed to have such an efficient litmus test to sort the wheat from the chaff."
When asked for its official response, the Ellen G. White Estate (which officially holds the Harmon family Bible) released a stock statement: "This is a ridiculous way of authenticating prophetic gift. Please stop borrowing the Harmon Bible."
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